Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Thursday, December 24, 2015
A Visit From the Sith
Pair of droids came to Tatooine with a message from Leia.
The droids were picked up by a young guy named Luke
Who then had to locate some old desert kook.
This kook, Ben Kenobi, had once known Luke’s father,
And knew this message meant a whole lot of bother.
For Luke finally saw the droid’s whole 3D flick.
‘Twas a plea for help from some outer space chick.
She had stolen the plans for the Empire’s Death Star
Which could wipe out whole planets in space from afar.
Ben, whose real name was Obi-wan, once was a Jedi,
But retired and flew down to Tatooine on the red eye.
So Obi and Luke went to hang at a bar
In search of a pilot who’d take them as far
As the rebel alliance’s secret location,
But along the way, they found a big honking station
Whose commander had such a noisy respirator,
They knew in a moment it must be Darth Vader.
So they rescued the princess, and escaped alive,
Bringing plans to the rebels on a thumb drive.
Then they handed the plans to the head rebel geek
So he could find where the Death Star might be weak.
The Death Star’s designers left an open back door,
With a duct that lead straight to the reactor core.
So a bunch of young pilots were quickly dispatched
To fire their missiles at the Death Star’s hatch.
But of course it was Luke who accomplished the goal
Of sending a missile down the Death Star’s hole.
Thus they knew Luke was a Jedi without equal
(At least till they saw the script for the first sequel.)
But his message came through as he flew out of sight:
May the force be with you, and to all a good night.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
The Fortune Amasses
Everything’s Star Wars!
Not just in toy stores
But everywhere.
Star Wars!
Disney has its whores
Trying to sell scores
of Luke underwear.
At first, they made a mint off what’s now Episode IV
And even more from what came later.
Then they made a whole trilogy that went before
About how young Anakin became Darth Vader.
Star Wars!
Enough of the Star Wars!
My closets and drawers
Are full of this crap.
Star Wars!
Please no more Star Wars!
Take your John Williams scores
And call it a wrap.
(Bump-biddi-be-dump-dump whatever until you get sick of it.)
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Monday, December 7, 2015
NRA Tis Of Thee
Sweet land of liberty,
Don’t take our guns.
The second amendment
Trumps any president,
So every resident
Can get some guns.
All throughout history
Folks have used weaponry.
Don’t take our guns.
Our cause is justified
By all the folks that died
To serve our national pride.
Let’s keep our guns.
Some innocents get shot
But not an awful lot.
Don’t take our guns.
Gun fights can get intense.
Sometimes there’s accidents.
Nothing no law prevents.
We need our guns.
Let gunshots fill the air,
Bullets fly everywhere.
Don’t take our guns.
We need some self-defense,
Till there’s a border fence,
And terrorists get some sense.
We need more guns.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Waiting for Baudot
And if you do manage to wheedle your way to the computer’s attention, say to open a Web browser, you will be greeted by a spinning something-or-other which may suggest activity, but which is really just a lame way to entertain you while you wait for a barrage of crap unrelated to the page you wanted to visit. If you have the fortitude to wait for all the Web crap to download, the page will tease you with a momentary appearance, only to be supplanted by a dark background and a popup asking if you’d like to register for the site’s free newsletter so as not to miss a single exciting moment of their ceaseless self-aggrandizement.
And further, if you unwarily visited a site that sells something, you will be forever haunted by spectral images of that merchandise infiltrating every other Web site you visit henceforth until the crack of doom. Your most solemn presentations may be adorned with ads for Diaper Genie or an inflatable party doll.
Beyond that, these online purveyors will stalk you via email. You will receive messages urging you to come back and finish what your started, or trying to tempt you with other, similar merchandise.
But, thankfully, your computer will be so slow you’ll never notice.
Monday, November 16, 2015
We'll Always Have Paris
France was the center of international diplomacy for much of the modern era. French was considered the lingua franca.
French kissing has become one of the rites of passage for young adults.
And, or course, there’s that great bread, toast and fries.
But moreover, the kind of attack that hit Paris could happen anywhere. We’re all vulnerable. It required coordination, but just conventional weapons: bombs, automatic rifles and cars. How can we possibly prevent or defend ourselves against that kind of terror?
We could rely on massive spying programs to keep tabs on everyone, but we certainly don’t want the government looking over our shoulders all the time … reading our emails, listening to our phone calls and tracking our Web surfing. We already have Google for that.
So how can we completely eliminate the threat of global terror without infringing on anyone’s rights? We’ll reveal this in a future post.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Friday, October 30, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Overthought
Sure, I wish I could be more like that 97.7% of the population that reacts to context changes seemingly spontaneously, but that could have other ramifications. For example, I might develop an interest in watching sports on TV, or start wandering aimlessly around the subway platform staring at my cell phone. I might even find myself enjoying large group activities.
But without adopting any such radical behavior or personality changes, is there a way I can prevent myself from overthinking every situation? Well, not every situation, but at least many common situations that don’t offer obvious or intuitive approaches?
And just how much thinking is overthinking anyway? What is the right amount of thinking? Perhaps situations could be categorized in terms the appropriate amount of thought required. Experimental psychologists speak of cognitive load as a measurable, or comparitively measurable quantity of mental activity which impacts the brain’s ability to process additional sensory input and to perform multiple tasks apparently simultaneously.
So we could define overthinking as devoting too much cognitive load to the decision making process in some particular context, but then we need a way to calibrate various scenarios so that we can determine what the appropriate level of cognitive load is. In effect, all we’ve done is recast the original problem of what constitutes overthinking into different terms, without actually arriving at any metrics for answering the question.
Or maybe … ?
Monday, October 26, 2015
GOP Washerwoman
Well, come in. Take a seat, and be sure to say “Howdy.”
I’d like you to greet Representative Gowdy.
He’s got a committee to pillory Hillary
Though they may meet at the local distillery.
They questioned her for eleven hours
But she came off fresher than wild flowers.
If that mistake were all they’d make
We might not be at the Republicans’ Wake.
Well, we must take the country back from all the takers
On government hand-outs, the lot of them fakers.
There’s really no harm in a few little slanders
to Hillary and that guy … what’s his name? … Sanders.
Her entourage of paparazzi
Can’t shield her from blame for Benghazi.
It’s a piece of cake to make her quake,
Yet sure this looks like the Republicans’ Wake.
Well, sometimes it seems that there’s no use in tryin’.
We now face abuse from that liberal Ryan.
He said he would serve as the Speaker provided
We follow unswervingly and undivided.
If all else fails, blame Hillary’s email
Though the real problem’s that she is female.
But for heaven’s sake hush that headache
Or we’ll all end up at the Republicans’ Wake.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Income Disproportionality
In fact, according to survey results I just made up, most Americans favor a merit-based system. That means people get rewards according to how good they are. This, of course, leaves open the tricky question of what we mean by good, but we can ignore that for now. As with art, I can't define good, but I know it when I see it. Or at least, I know bad when I see it. I'm sure we can all think of examples of bad behavior by people. If not, spend more time on Facebook.
There are two problems with our current system:
- In general, the people who get the most (i.e., make the most money) are not the people we would consider good, and
- The differences in income (or wealth) are way out of proportion to the supposed worth of the people who make/possess it.
And if that's not enough, according to Forbes, Laurene Powell Jobs, whose main accomplishment was marrying the guy who came up with tiny music players to listen to Madonna and Paul McCartney, is worth about $20 billion. In other words, she's worth 30 times what Paul McCartney is worth. Or about sixty thousand times what you're worth. Think about that. Steve Jobs' widow is worth an entire football stadium of you.
If you further scan down the Forbes list, you'll see a lot of familiar names. Apart from Forrest, Jacqueline and John Mars, whose fortunes all derive from candy, the bulk of these are business people … Wal-Mart, Microsoft, Apple, Amazon, Facebook, Google, etc. Sure, these are all interesting businesses, but what's their real value to society? When disaster strikes, an earthquake or a hurricane or a mine collapse, do we say: “Hey, we'd better get Apple guys in there so the victims can listen to iTunes!” Or “Quick! Let's upgrade them to Windows 10!”
Maybe I'm just weird, but if I really separate the value that people bring to the world from the amount of money they make, it seems obvious that the most important people in society are teachers, who help shape what kinds of people our children will become. Emergency responders … police, firefighters and medical personnel, who help get disasters under control and save lives. Authors and artists and musicians, who enrich our lives and help us share our common human experience.
Oh, and hedge fund managers.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Wee Seven
But the real inside story of Disney’s film goes much deeper than that. In fact, although the final cast featured only seven dwarfs, hundreds auditioned. Many were distinctly inappropriate for cohabiting with a young woman: Sleazy, Creepy, Gropey, Horney and Anthony Wiener.
Still others, including Stretchy and Cloudy, were not height-challenged enough for the roles.
Ms. White, having far more movie industry experience than Disney himself, was able to negotiate final say over the dwarf roster. It is widely believed that she relied on the time-honored Hollywood tradition of the casting catafalque, though White never had the promiscuous reputation of Sleeping Beauty.
All this had to be covered up, of course, so the dwarfs could maintain their squeaky clean public image throughout the inevitable publicity tours and press conferences.
In fact, Snow White tried to upstage Sleeping Beauty by falling comatose in order to lure one of the wandering princes who were habitually kissing unconscious strangers in the woods back then. Of course, Prince Charming later dumped her for Cinderella, so her machinations were for naught.
Monday, October 5, 2015
The Spine King
What a wonderful phrase.
Medulla ‘blongata,
Right at your brain’s base.
It means keep breathing
For the rest of your days.
Your involunt’ry
Activity?
Medulla ‘blongata.
When I was a young vertebrate. (When you were a young vertebrate.)
I could breathe and swallow and cough and sneeze.
And do it all with the greatest of ease.
I could even boast that I had some measure
Of control over my blood pressure.
But although I was cautious | (You were so cautious.) |
Sometimes I’d get nauseous. | (Everybody gets nauseous.) |
Then I’d be rebuked | (Sometimes you'd get spooked.) |
Every time that I p… | (Please! Not in front of the kids.) |
Medulla ‘blongata.
What a wonderful phrase.
Medulla ‘blongata,
Right at your brain’s base.
It keeps you breathing
For the rest of your days.
Your involunt’ry
Activity?
Medulla ‘blongata.
Medulla ‘blongata. Medulla ‘blongata.
Medulla ‘blongata. Medulla ‘blongata.
Medulla ‘blongata. Medulla ‘blongata.
Medulla ‘blongata. …
Friday, September 25, 2015
Virtual Realism
But the hottest trend in gaming is virtual reality. There are now goggles and complete helmets that let you move around in a computer-generated world, turning your head to see different parts of the scene as you walk through, oblivious to real world objects in your path.
That’s the virtual part. What’s missing is the reality. The games using this technology generally involve incredibly developed men and women, wearing the most revealing armor imaginable, pursuing each other, for lustful or vengeful purposes, through medieval landscapes, wielding maces, axes and swords. What’s real about that?
So I’ve decided to design a real virtual reality game. It’s still a work in progress, but I have a few levels roughed out.
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3
Once a player earns 100000 points, he or she achieves Management status. Then the player must fire tasks at other non-Management players, while at the same time dodging those from the new villain, Upper Management.
Of course, there are still a few rough edges to work out, but I think you can expect this to rocket to the top of the charts, or whatever computer games do.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
WTF Tuesday: Campaigns
This week’s question is on the minds of many of our alert readers, and we’re sure one of them would have gotten around to asking us sooner or later.
Question
Answer
These polls aggregate the opinions of prospective voters who have given as much serious thought to the candidates as they have to, say, Spongebob Squarepants. In fact, polls show that if the election were held today, Spongebob would win by a wide margin. Unless, of course, he were an actual person and a candidate.
So into this media void rides Donald Trump. His appearance and his manner are wacky enough to provide entertainment. And he has enough money to keep his campaign going.
In the 1960’s, there was a computer program called ELIZA that could mimic some basic human language. One flavor of it spoofed a psychiatrist by picking words and phrases out of comments entered by the user, and turning them into probing questions about that user’s psyche. If the user entered My mother hates me, ELIZA might respond Who else in your family hates you? It was essentially a parlor trick, but effective enough to give the impression that there was some intelligence there.
In essence, this is what Trump does with Republican themes.
- Interviewer: John McCain was a POW.
- Trump: I like people who didn’t get caught.
- Interviewer: I know some Mexican immigrants.
- Trump: Mexican immigrants are drug dealers.
- Interviewer: Here’s a picture of Carly Fiorina.
- Trump: Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?
- Interviewer: Say ‘hello’ to Megyn Kelly.
- Trump: You’re fired!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Apple News
The Apple Thumbtack, as you might imagine, is designed to join multiple documents. In keeping with the new 3D pressure sensitivity, a light press of the Apple Thumbtack creates a document collection. A heavier press creates a merged document containing the combined contents of all the individual documents. And the heaviest press creates a hole in your screen.
Apple may take some flack for this reversal of Steve Jobs’ well known view that “if you have to use a thumbtack, they blew it.” Still, it’s been acknowledged the thumbtack has been on Apple’s Chair, Art Levinson’s mind for a while.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
Compulsiveness
Which brings us to another factor … compulsiveness. I’m not an obsessive compulsive. Just a common, garden-variety compulsive. But even so, this poses challenges. For example, the expression “in moderation,” (as in, for example, “it’s ok to drink red wine in moderation.”) is a complete enigma. How can something be ok in moderation? Either it’s not ok, in which case it is to be avoided completely, or it’s ok, in which case we should indulge like ants on a dropped ice cream sandwich that still has ice cream in it because it didn't all squish out between the two cookies the way it usually does.
Another problem with compulsiveness as a blogger is that you have a tendency to want to spell everything correctly, or at least readably, and to use something resembling correct grammar. It should be clear, for instance, that there are no compulsives on Facebook.
Finally, if you’re compulsive, you’re going to want to wrap up your blog post in a way that
Monday, August 17, 2015
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
It was pretty much like you’d imagine. Bright lights outside. Toys moving by themselves. Cats meowing for no reason. (Well, ok, they do that anyway.)
Next thing I knew, I was inside some weird room that can only be described as nondescript. It seemed to extend endlessly in all directions, yet there was almost no furniture. And no dust bunnies.
The aliens had technology so far beyond ours it was almost incomprehensible. First, they all had iPhone 37s. That’s the one that fits in your pocket, but expands when you pull it out to the size of a Buick. (One of the old gas guzzling models!) And the maps worked!
They had those things like on “Star Trek” that you could just wave over someone and instantly diagnose and treat whatever medical conditions they had, and trim their nails.1
They had 3D holographic projectors that could instantly put you in the middle of lifelike scenes of singers, dancers, bachelors and iron chefs. The aliens had apparently been using such devices to observe earthly behavior for a while, as they kept asking us about grumpy cats.
And they had computers that could run for years and years without ever stopping, and without having to reboot to install software updates. They ran linux.
1Side effects may include dizziness, drowsiness, laziness, craziness, itchy eyes, runny nose, hair loss, weight gain, sudden, unexplained nihilism, sensitivity to cold, recurring appetite, partial differentiation, political non-alignment, skin irritation and death.2
2That last one is the biggie.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Technology and Magic
One of the things I’ve waited a long time for is technology that lets me create drawings, cartoons and illustrations as expressively and intuitively as pencil, paper and other traditional media. Keep in mind that I’ve been studying and creating art technology for ... well, quite a few years. I’ve observed the technologies at Walt Disney Feature Animation and the New York Institute of Technology Computer Graphics Lab, most of whose talent later became Pixar. I’ve collaborated with researchers at the MIT Media Lab and the artists at Paws, Inc. (makers of Garfield) on tools for animation and cartooning. I’ve seen early uses of frame buffers and digitizing tablets back when these were highly specialized and expensive equipment.
And in all that time, I had not seen anything to replace paper and pencil.
Until now.
I just got a Wacom Cintiq Companion 2, a device that combines high end digitizing technology with a Windows tablet, so it can run Photoshop, Painter and other real graphics software, and lets you draw and paint right on the display screen. In just a few minutes, I did this rough blue pencil sketch.
And then inked it with a pen tool.
I was going to write something fiendishly clever about technology and the magic of Penn and Teller, but that can wait. I’m having too much fun with these tools.
Monday, July 20, 2015
People Are Stupid
Our story’s sad to tell,
Handbaskets bound for hell.
We squander all the gifts we should embrace.
Our future’s so unclear now.
The thing we have to fear now
Is what we’re doing to the human race.
People are stupid.
All evidence suggests I’m right.
People are stupid.
As a species, we’re none too bright.
Though for centuries quite violently we’ve lost daughters and sons
There are still those who believe the way to safety is more guns.
Every so often (Every so often)
Folks’ll go on a killing spree
But we can’t soften (But we can’t soften)
Gun rights ‘cause that’s what keeps us free.
There are guns for every woman, man and child alive today.
But we need more, according to the NRA.
People are stupid.
We think the earth is infinite.
People are stupid.
Where else would we dump all our shit?
And in spite of all the hurricanes and blizzarding and storming
We just can’t believe that seven billion folks might cause some warming.
Baby, don’t sweat it. (Baby, don’t sweat it.)
Why must the planet be ice-capped?
Better forget it. (Better forget it.)
Like other species, we’ll adapt.
So when the oceans boil we’ll still need oil
To drive the SUV
Up to the higher ground where someone found a tree.
Don’t let conditions
Cause you anxiety or fear.
Our politicians
Fix things in an election year.
So you see we’ve really got no one besides ourselves to blame,
But we’re so stupid we can say this with no shame.
People are stupid, (People are stupid,)
And we can say this with no shame.
People are stupid, (People are stupid,)
And we can say this with no shame.
People are stupid, (People are stupid,)
And we can say this with no shame.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Inside Outed
You see, we like to think of ourselves as rational. We like to think we make decisions by gathering facts, weighing them carefully, and choosing the course of action that’s likely to produce the most favorable outcome. But nothing could be further from the truth.
In reality, we’re just a collection of biases and preconceptions. We all live in a mythological world of our own making. We’re not even aware of the nagging bits of information that contradict our mythologies and threaten to shatter everything we believe. Researchers have documented a number of distinct cognitive biases that influence the way we judge. For example,
- Selection Bias
- The tendency to disregard information which contradicts our existing beliefs.
- Confirmation Bias
- The tendency to be more accepting of information that confirms our beliefs.
- Enhanced Negation Effect
- The tendency to be skeptical of information presented in a very emphatic or extreme way (unless you’re a Tea Party member.)
- The G Spot
- The tendency to react to any mention of guns, gays or God with partisanship and insularity.
- The Trump-It Sound
- The tendency to emit large gusts of wind, despite the risk of mussing one’s hair.
- In-Eagle-itarianism
- The tendency to think that wealthy people are more American than others.
- Santum Santorum
- The tendency to abandon human reason in favor of divine authority.
- Burning Bush Effect
- The tendency to believe that one family was annointed to hold power in government.
- Delusionocracy
- The persistent belief, despite all evidence, that we have a say in determining our government and policies, when, in fact, at best we have some sway over which group of corporate power mongers hold sway for a few years.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Supreme Courtship
- The government is allowed to make it easier for poor people to buy health insurance.
- Housing practices can be discriminatory even if the landlords didn’t write a letter to The New York Times saying: “I’m gonna commit discrimination!”
- Two people can get married even if they have the same pee-pee parts.
Meanwhile, the Republican field grows ever wider and weirder. The GOP, that for years tried to recreate Reagan’s winning strategy of having an actor portray an intelligent, caring person, no longer seem to see the need for that.
Now if we can just get some action on climate change, we might survive long enough to enjoy all this grooviness.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Bikology
First, biking is about independence. There’s a tremendous sense of empowerment that comes with the ability to jump on a bike and, with no gas or oil or electricity, or even roads, to go almost anywhere. Under your own power. And even a moderately competent person can maintain a bike. That’s liberation, with just a hint of self-righteous smugness.
There’s also an element of subversiveness to biking. Let’s face it. Unlike much of the rest of the world, in this country, biking is something of an act of defiance. It’s a way of thumbing your nose1 not only at the hordes of people bumbling around in cars and SUVs, but at the energy companies that are the very fabric of our country. It’s a way of just saying “no” to the industries and market forces that want you to knuckle under and behave like everyone else.
And still, in addition to all the health benefits and stress reduction and environmental benefits to biking, there’s also a strong sense of community. Bikers are a kind of tribe, perhaps because of that shared sense of independence and subversiveness. Boston has a lot of bike-oriented events, including bike breakfasts, commuter convoys, cycle celebrations and other alliterative activities. And at all of these, you see hundreds of strangers come together, talking about their latest traffic nightmare or the latest gear they’ve started using or the best route from A to B. That’s powerful. That shared sense of identity as bikers helps to form some very strong bonds.
Of course, there are still assholes. You always get those.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Good Job Hunting
I set out to find a position with the title UI Designer. In today’s market, UI Designer really means UI Developer, which really means Web Developer, which, in turn, means Whatever We Have For You To Do Doer.1
To begin, I carefully considered all the factors that contribute to job satisfaction or dissatisfaction. They are, in order or priority:
- Good coffee
- Interesting work
- Compensation and benefits
- Reasonably quiet, comfortable work environment
- Laudable enterprise goals and ethics
- Did I mention coffee?
Once you’ve narrowed down the options, you can apply online to these companies, using one or another automatic resume blocking service. These sites allow you to upload your carefully formatted resume, and then completely re-type it into various form fields. Be careful with these forms. If the job requires, for example, 8 years of experience with JavaScript, and you’ve had 7 years and 10 months, your application will be electronically shredded.
The surprise ending, though, is that the whole list of job satisfaction points that I so carefully compiled means nothing. Well, ok, not the coffee. But really, job satisfaction has little or nothing to do with office space or even compensation and benefits.
It’s really about challenge and accomplishment. You’ve got to have both of these. And in the right proportions. Too much challenge and you just feel frustrated all the time. Too much accomplishment is boring. The perfect balance is given by:
where A is some number having something to do with accomplishment, and C is some number having to do with … well, you get the idea. The point is that you need both. And you have to make it happen. Any job can start out great, but over time, as your skills and interests evolve, you’ll find ways to get involved in different things and grow into new roles.
And if you get stuck in a situation where you can’t do that … well, that’s why I started searching.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
How Things Stand
- There’s actually been a sharp decline in the frequency of posts over the past few months.
- Since roughly February 6 at 2:47 PM, I have been besieged by issues, both personal and professional1, that have sucked up my time as if it were green tea flavored bubble tea.2
- The world, in general, isn’t funny anymore.
Funniness enjoyed a brief resurgence in the late 1960’s, when people were high enough to laugh at anything, but Nixon, Agnew, Ford and the rest of them quickly put an end to that.
However, the major issue is not one of humor desensitization. Rather, real life has become so absurd as to render humor superfluous. Consider, for example, Senator Ted Cruz’s pleas for federal aid for flood-stricken Texas, after condemning similar aid programs for hurricane ravaged areas in the Northeast. Or the fact that the gray lady herself, The New York Times, devoted half the front (Web) page to the arrests of a bunch of corrupt soccer executives. Or the fact that soccer has executives.
As Dr. Warren Edelman, fictitious Professor of Sociology at Columbia University, has said, “Many a joke is spoken in jest.” Truer words were never spoken.3
Monday, May 25, 2015
Same Old Story
var Porridge = function(temperature) { this.quality = temperature; this.name = "porridge"; this.use = "eating"; }; var Chair = function(size) { this.quality = size; this.name = "chair"; this.use = "sitting in"; }; var Bed = function(hardness) { this.quality = hardness; this.name = "bed"; this.use = "sleeping in"; }; var Bear = function(home, temp, size, hardness) { this.home = home; this.utterance = ""; this.possessions = [ new Porridge(temp), new Chair(size), new Bed(hardness) ]; }; Bear.prototype.goOut = function () { this.home = false; }; Bear.prototype.comeBack = function () { this.home = true; }; Bear.prototype.speak = function (line) { this.utterance = line; console.log(this.utterance); }; var Poppa = new Bear(true,"too hot","too big","too hard"); var Momma = new Bear(true,"too cold","too small","too soft"); var Baby = new Bear(true,"just right","just right","just right"); var Bears = [Poppa, Momma, Baby]; for (var b = 0; b < Bears.length; b++) { Bears[b].goOut(); } var Person = function(iq) { this.iq = iq; this.utterance = ""; }; Person.prototype.test = function(obj) { this.utterance = obj.quality; console.log(this.utterance); }; var Goldilocks = new Person(0); for (p = 0; p < Bear.prototype.possessions.length; p++) { for (b = 0; b < Bears.length; b++) { Goldilocks.test(Bears[b].possessions[p]); } } for (b = 0; b < Bears.length; b++) { Bears[b].comeBack(); } for (p = 0; p < Bear.prototype.possessions.length; p++) { for (b = 0; b < Bears.length; b++) { Bears[b].speak("Someone's been " + Bears[b].possessions[p].use + " my " + Bears[b].possessions[p].name + "."); } } throw new Error();
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Softwaring
When it was programming, it was mainly a bunch of geeky types who really got off on telling the masses about why they were formatting their email incorrectly. (Actually, in the really good old days, there were no masses using email … just the geeky types.) They worked obscenely long hours because they wanted to, and they socialized by talking about work.
Now it’s all software engineering. High tech. companies want to ease visa restrictions so they can hire cheap labor from overseas. It’s all about methodology … agile, complete with scrums and sprints, terms borrowed from the world of sports to suggest some kind of healthy teamwork. It’s all about code reviews and design patterns and best practices and quality assurance.
Basically, software has gone from being an inspired work of genius to a manufacturing process that any company can adopt to ensure that their code will be of the highest possible quality.
See how well that’s working?
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Ring Toss
Say what you like about Hillary Clinton, but she has money, experience and name recognition. She has the Democratic nomination pretty well sewn up.
But the Republican field is wide open. And they’ll take anyone. They’ve got a former neurosurgeon, a former high tech CEO, a former Arkansas governor and fat person, a former anti-war Republican, and several other former-something-or-others. And there’s still a bunch of former Republican candidates getting ready to play again.
So, that’s settled. I’ll be a Republican. I’ll have to dress better, but I can deal with that. Now, what do I have to say to get the Republican nomination?
Oh, I know! Everything Obama tried to do? Not that!
Can I put blacklights in the Lincoln bedroom?
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Wake-up Call
To be upgraded to Lollipop.
This upgrade really has nothing I need
But it did make my Clock app just stop.
Tech entrepreneurs become billionaires
Selling products at which we all curse.
They go on making money ‘cause nobody dares
Point out these things could scarcely be worse.
Everyone hates Tim Cook and Bill Gates
Yet we keep buying stuff from these thugs,
In spite of the need for constant updates
Just to fix the last update’s bugs.
We care more about toasters than about toast,
Buying products that flew or just flopped.
I’d issue a wake up call right in this post,
But unfortunately, Clock app has stopped.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Blogma
In order to stay ahead of the curve, The Tech Curmudgeon has dismissed most of its writing staff, and will be running blog posts written by software, beginning with the following:
This is a blog post. The word blog is a contraction of web log, initially denoting a form of on-line journal. While many blogs exist to inform or facilitate information exchange, this blog has the purpose of entertaining. Therefore, each post will employ several forms of humor, including:
- non sequitur
- the abrupt diversion of a line of reasoning to pineapple.
- hyperbole
- the use of exaggeration to provoke uncontrollable paroxysms of gasp-inducing laughter.
- incongruity
- when stuff, like, doesn’t go together.
- double entendre
- the erection of a member potent in multiple openings.
- non sequitur again
- also known as repetition.
We hope you like it.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Geek vs. Chic
Unfortunately, a lot of companies didn’t realize there was such a thing as a designer, and they simply entrusted the job of creating their software’s look and feel to the engineers who wrote it. Of course, using a software interface designed by an engineer is a bit like attending an emotional therapy session led by Mr. Spock.
More recently, designers have become respected, even compensated members of technology product development teams. In some ways, the innovations of Apple and a few other companies have awakened the high-tech world to the startling idea of making products that people can use. Designers are even expected to be able to write code now, blurring the distinction between them and their engineer counterparts.
To counteract this, we offer this field guide to the different roles.
Trait | Developer | Designer |
---|---|---|
Style | Geek | Chic |
Appearance | Dresses like a slob | Dresses like a slob … ironically |
Approach | Analyzes problems into distinct components, like models, views and controllers | Synthesizes parts into whole user experience |
Lunch | pizza and Coke | Artisanal flatbread pizza and craft brew |
Afternoon Meeting | Heated debate over using Swagger or JSchema to define the REST API | Meticulously rendered flow diagrams on whiteboard |
End of day | Will code it in 2 days | Paper prototypes next week, prototype testing next month, usability testing next quarter, ship in 2018 |
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
LOST OUR LEASE!
We are deeply grateful for the past 8 1/2 years of loyal patronizing. We hope that in time, some other suitable venue will emerge in which we can resume dispensing snark. In the meantime, please keep an eye on The Tech Curmudgeon for announcements.
The Curmudgeonment
Monday, March 30, 2015
Artist's Prostatement
They can cause disfigured organs or just pink spots on your nose.
But my favorite one, for reasons even I don’t understand,
Is the cancer that begins inside the humble prostate gland.
You can talk of brains and bones and breasts and lungs and nodes lymphatic,
And of course these cancers all have quite a flair for the dramatic,
But even the affliction of the skin that’s over-tanned
Just pales when it’s compared to cancer of the prostate gland.
Most normal prostates function well and people do not mind them.
And even an enlarged one, men will try to put behind them,
Especially when the doctor checks with latex-covered hand
For signs of abnormality within the prostate gland.
And if, alas, you have some symptom needing further study,
Such as difficulty peeing or ejaculate that’s bloody,
A prostate biopsy will almost certainly be planned
To see what’s going on inside that humble prostate gland.
You can whack this thing with several thousand rads of radiation
(And hope the treatment, of itself, does not cause some mutation)
You can have the whole thing excised with a cool robotic hand
But you still might have to deal with cancer of the prostate gland.
And if, when treatment’s over, luckily you’re cancer-free,
And your side effects no worse than having constantly to pee,
If all your other functions come back, that is simply grand,
You still should show respect for cancer of the prostate gland.
So stand up hand in hand across the land now and demand
Research be planned to understand the cancerous prostate gland.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Letting Go of Holding On
Yet somehow the prospect of Library-of-Congress-sized vaults filled with thumb drives and SD cards, or Google’s round-the-clock, round-the-world servers, does not hold much appeal. Any experience that requires a glass slab between 5 and 50 inches diagonally to enjoy is pretty paltry. It’s a form of sensory deprivation.
And Spring cleaning takes on a whole new meaning.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Spring Cleaning
First, today is the Ides of March, when we recall the soothsayer’s famous warning to Julius Caesar to beware the impending income tax season.
Second, tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when Bostonians the world over celebrate the patron saint of Ireland by gorging on corned beef and cabbage and beer until they turn green.
Finally, Friday is the actual arrival of Spring, which will undoubtedly be met with a light snowfall.
Monday, March 9, 2015
The Changing
I realized it would soon be three and shortly after, four.
As I thought about this strange phenomenon, the time was changed
And TV schedules rearranged themselves from what they’d been before.
“Daylight Savings Time,” I muttered, “changed the schedules from before–
Only this and nothing more.”
Soon my clock had reached that number when it wrenches me from slumber
Though I’d just watched Dumb and Dumber scarely several hours before.
Through the day I’ll struggle vainly to appear awake, but plainly
It’s an uphill battle mainly due to standard time of yore,
Of that sweet repose in standard time that I enjoyed before,
I could use an hour more.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Downton
If you like Brits, including upper class twits
Then you can always watch Downton.
Who'll Mary marry? And will Tom go or tarry?
Just be sure to watch Downton.
So Gillingham and Charles both want to be in Mary's love life.
They both seem sweet, but soon she'll meet that lawyer from "The Good Wife."
What can you do?
We know that she likes lawyers,
But really we count for nothing, we're helpless voyeurs
Around Downton.
It's what we all adore. Downton.
Like Daisy and Patmore. Downton.
Or Robert and Cora.
Late in the season everybody's got reasons
They might stay or leave Downton.
Julian Fellowes writes both farewells and hellos
In the plots he weaves. Downton.
Like one bloke who supposedly survived from the "Titanic."
Or Edith's beau whom now we know was offed by thugs Germanic.
Strange ways to go.
The lives are much shorter there.
Between the wars and disasters, there's death in the air.
Beware Downton.
All turns to crisis fast. Downton.
Even poor Isis passed. Downton.
Granny will have the last laugh.
(instrumental)
So Edith took her daughter from the family of that herder.
And one Bates or another surely will stand trial for murder.
What do you know?
There's much that's behind closed doors.
That's where the action is brewing on all of the floors.
Let's watch Downton.
Thomas may be alright. Downton.
Carson and Hughes are tight. Downton.
That's where your Sunday night goes.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Snow Business
Two thumbs up.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
WTF: What is the best email program?
- Web-based.
- Not Web-based.
- Google is reading your mail to see if it can show you any ads relating to what you’re emailing about.
- Google is showing you ads when you’re trying to read your email.
- Long messages get cut off.
- Some other stuff that I put in my other post. Go read it.
Monday, February 23, 2015
The End of Things
But property has long been the defining measure of success. Citizenship and voting rights have often been tied to land ownership.
And this is why it’s so disruptive that things … objects, are now obsolete. It started a while ago with e-books and music downloads. We were weaned off disks and CDs for software, instead just downloading it (and the twice-daily updates) from the Internet. But even that rug was pulled out. Now the software just lives on the Web. And more and more, we don’t buy software or books or music outright. We subscribe.
Even cars and hotels are being virtualized by Uber and Airbnb. Clothing next?
The pattern is that we begin to think of things not as objects, but as experiences we can have. Books are not bound bunches of pages, but just texts that we can read in various forms. Photos and music are sets of samples of digital information. Cars become trips. Homes become stays.
And humans? We are but thinking machines.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Mail Effluence
The beauty of email is that it’s not just for sending cat pictures to friends. You can use it for everything. You can send yourself reminders, notes, etc. If you use GMail or some other Web-based mail, you can send files to yourself as a way to keep backup copies. In fact you can send yourself anything … photos, videos, links to cool web sites, etc. … and call it whatever you want. It’s the world’s simplest filing system.
For example, whenever I get an idea for a post for this blog, I send myself a note about it, and I put “[TC]” in the subject line. Then GMail automatically (well, because I told it to) puts it in a separate folder with a blue label. When I’m done with that idea, I move it to a “Done” folder and mark it with a black label. Same for other blogs, to do lists, or whatever else I struggle vainly to organize.
Which leads us to the first problem … mail reading software sucks.
Believe me. I’ve tried damn near all of them, ranging from the extremely geeky ones named with all lowercase letters (e.g., mutt, gnus) all the way to the supposedly modern user friendly ones like GMail and Thunderbird.
The geeky ones are very reliable, but painfully difficult to set up (even if you’re a geeky type). Once you get it working, don’t ever change anything … email address, computer, etc. … for the rest of your life.
Also, because the geeks who remember when email was created are very old school, they refuse to put support for moderns things like formatted mail, pictures and attachments in these programs. The only email they read is what looks like it was typed on a 1960’s vintage Smith Corona.
Newer email programs, like GMail, are Web-based. You read them in a browser like Chrome, Safari, Firefox, etc. One problem is that sending or replying to a message means entering your message in a browser text box. That’s about as rewarding as … well, as typing on a 1960’s vintage Smith Corona.
But a worse problem is that GMail lumps all the messages on one topic into conversations, without regard to which message was a reply to which other message. If you had a conversation like:
- Fred: You guys free for dinner tonight?
- Your wife: (privately to you) I thought it was date night tonight …
- You: (privately to your wife) I’m okay with that.
- Fred: Sounds good to me.
- Your wife: (privately to you) I thought it was date night tonight …
- You: I’m okay with that.
- Fred: Sounds good to me.
- Your wife: I thought it was date night tonight …
- Fred: You guys free for dinner tonight?
Which brings us to the second problem … people are stupid. I don’t exclude myself from this, but my position as Curmudgeon Public requires me to be ruthlessly critical of human foibles, failings and other f words. And there’s no better display of human folly than email groups (called listservs after a 30 year old piece of software that most people never used.)
All of which goes to prove that when there’s a big snowstorm, I have way too much free time.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Limerick of the Day #134
It’ll be due to great interaction.
From the Web interface
To the cloud database
Usability’s the main attraction.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
Limerick of the Day #133
Then your kids should get vaccine immunity.
Your misguided defiance
Of medical science
Should not be allowed with impunity.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Pizza Geometry
For a long time, I've realized that a large (e.g., 16”) pizza is actually qualitatively better than a small (e.g., 12”) inch one. However, I had failed to demonstrate this with mathematical rigor. I shall now correct this oversight.
The important point is that regardless of the pizza diameter, the crust is always about an inch wide. That means that a 12” pizza really has a covered area that's 10” in diameter, while a 16” pizza has a 14” covered area.
Some simple geometry based on the old formula, A = πr2, shows us that a small pizza has a total area of 113 in2, but a covered area of only 79.5 in2. In other words, it's about 30% plain crust.
A large pizza, on the other hand, has a total area of 201 in2, but a covered area of 154 in2. That means the uncovered crust is only 23% of the total.
Quod erat demonstrandum1
1Unless you don't eat the crust, in which case none of this matters.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Rhapsody in Snow
Monday, January 26, 2015
Selfies
I suppose compared to that other popular Internet-age art form … pirating other people’s images, music and video, the selfie qualifies as being remotely creative. Yet in the history of human creativity, it’s kind of on par with drawing feathers on a tracing of your hand and calling it a turkey. Self portraits do have a time-honored place in art, but that’s because they usually make a stronger statement than “Here I am!”
Of course, like any self-proclaimed creator, I’ve tried selfies. Because I wear progressive bifocals, I have to tilt my head back slightly to see the phone screen properly when held at arm’s length. As a result, in all my selfies I appear to have an enormous chin and a minuscule forehead. In reality, I have a little chin and enormous ears.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
State of the Blogosphere
And while climate change threatens our very existence, maybe it will at least keep the winter Olympics away from Boston.
In such times, it’s important to remember the positive accomplishments.
Um …
In such trying times, it’s important to state our fundamental principles … the preservation of our freedom and our values.
Everyone should be able to wear Google Glass in public. (Huh? Ok, no Google Glass.)
No American, rich or even richer, should be able to distort our democratic process with excessive campaign contributions, manipulation of electoral districts or voting.
No American should be required to actually be from America.
No American should be denied vital healthcare because of lack of insurance, long waits, limited parking or the age of waiting room magazines.
No hacker should be able to penetrate our security, rob us of confidential information, or hinder our ability to see Seth Rogen movies.
No terrorist should be able to shoot cartoonists. Even editors should not be shot. Most of them.
And above all, in response to the many challenges we face, we are determined to keep posting more crap in the hopes that some of you will read it.
Thank you, and blog dess America.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Oops!
Well, in honor of Martin Luther King day, I’ll spare you the burden of reading another one of these posts.
We’ll be back soon.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Another Limerick of the Day ... #132
Limerick of the Day #131
About terror attacks. Much ado is
Made of Charlie Hebdo,
Which the French love, although
Not as much as they love Jerry Lewis.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
F-Bombs Away
In particular, we must be careful not to confuse language and ideas with deeds. For example, the commonly used term f-bomb simply denotes the use of a vulgar word. But words are not bombs, and even suggesting the comparison seems hostile to free speech.
Of course, joking about bombs can get you in deep trouble, especially at airports. One Venezualan doctor was fined almost $90,000.00 for jokingly saying he was carrying C-4 explosives.
And somewhere along the line, we in the U.S. seem to have tacitly accepted the idea of free speech zones, designated areas where protesters can carry signs, wear clothing with slogans, etc. Demonstrators are corralled in fenced areas far away from the people for whom those protests are intended. According to the Constitution, the entire United States is a free speech zone, but we have allowed that freedom to be curtailed to avoid the risk that our leaders might be exposed to alternative ideas.
If we allow language to become weaponized, we harm everyone.