Monday, December 31, 2012

Breaking News

The breaking news is that there are no new breakthroughs in the last minute negotiations to avoid the fiscal precipice. This fiscal escarpment was created by Congress when it failed to reach a compromise in the debt ceiling debacle last year. The fiscal bluff was designed to be objectionable to both parties, to force them to find a better solution. Of course, we know how well that worked.

Stay tuned for further late breaking reports about the lack of news about late breakthroughs in the fiscal crag crisis.

Friday, December 28, 2012

The Zombie Apocalypse Now

A lot of popular folklore (and some that's not so popular) centers around the zombie apocalypse. The idea is that zombies ... living dead people ... attack and destroy civilization as we know it. I'm fairly certain that civilization, at least as I know it, has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Nevertheless, I think it's important that we all learn to recognize the warning signs of a zombie apocalypse, so we can take immediate action.

First of all, how do we recognize zombies? The important characteristics are:

1) They are dead, but continue to move around and screw things up.

2) They feed on the brains of their victims.

3) They refuse to raise taxes, even on the top 1% of earners.

If, hypothetically of course, a group lost in a national election, but continued to try to blackmail the country into submission, that would suggest zombitude.

Also, again hypothetically, if a group tried to deny basic scientific findings like, oh, for example, climate change or evolution, that would be an attack on victims' brains. If they also tried to cut education funding, or to interfere with the teaching of science, that's a zombie-esque indicator. A clincher would be if that group, for example, tried to dictate who can or can't marry, or whether women can make their own reproductive choices.

And I don't have to tell you about taxes.

The signs of the apocalypse are equally clear:

1) The disruption of normal operations, even in the face of critical deadlines.

2) The confusion resulting from the disappearance of responsible news sources.

3) The Kardashians.

Of course we know the zombie apocalypse is just a fictional idea that could never actually happen. But it can't hurt to be prepared. Remember: See something, say something!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Mayan Calendar Thing

  • Tue., Dec. 11 - Gunman shoots three shoppers, killing two, and himself in mall outside Portland, Oregon
  • Fri., Dec. 14 - Gunman kills 20 children, ages 6 and 7, plus 6 adults and himself at elementary school in Newtown, CT, after shooting and killing his mother at her home.
  • Mon., Dec. 24 - Gunman lights fire and shoots 4 of the responding firefighters, killing two, and then himself.
The Mayan Calendar didn't say how long it would take.

Monday, December 24, 2012


Friday, December 21, 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Monday, December 17, 2012

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Monday, December 10, 2012

Friday, December 7, 2012

Resolutions for the New Year

One of my resolutions last year was to stop procrastinating. So here I am working on my this year’s resolutions.

Now I’m a far cry from perfect, but I’m having a hard time coming up with things to resolve. I don’t have a lot of what are traditionally considered vices … gambling, drinking, cavorting with expensive prostitutes (or even reasonably priced ones), hogging the remote … you know, the usual. My shortcomings all seem pretty boring in comparison:

1) I try out lots of bad jokes on my loved ones, and

2) I’m not very good at noticing people's haircuts.

Neither of those has the makings of an inspirational resolution. Real resolutions would be something dramatic. Finish that novel! Run a marathon! Learn to make cannoli.

But I’d have to start a novel. I get shin splints running for the bus. And I don’t even like cannoli. So I’m stuck with the boring resolutions. Watch more PBS. Eat plenty of roughage. Try not to use styrofoam containers.

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll resolve to develop some vices this year, so I'll have something to work on.

Actually, the “stop procrastinating” resolution was from two years ago. I’m just working on ones for 2012 now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012