Situation Normal

Congressional Fitness Test

Ending the Shutdown

The Republican rhetoric about the government shutdown has been so emphatic that it would be impossible for them to back down now without losing face. They cannot allow the government to re-open or the debt ceiling to be raised without appearing to have completely caved, giving Obama and the Democrats a total victory.

So, to help resolve this impasse, Obama might consider certain accommodations which, while not in any way capitulating to Republican demands, would still give Republicans trophies they can brandish to claim victory. Let’s make sure each member of Congress gets something. Some ideas:

1. A weekend in the Lincoln Bedroom. 
2. A free month of Netflix. 
3. Starbucks gift cards. 
4. Free trial memberships in Capitol Bikeshare. 
5. Autographed copies of Atlas Shrugged. … Just kidding. It’s The Audacity of Hope. (Ha-ha. It’s Hunger Games.) 
6. Zero percent financing and a 5 year/60,000 mile warranty on any new 2013 Ford. 
7. A free month’s supply of Cialis. (Bad idea.) 
8. iTunes or Google Play gift cards. 
9. A three day, two night stay at the Walt Disney World Resort. 
10. Obamacare will not … repeat NOT be repealed, delayed, unfunded, or in any other way constrained, but it will be renamed from The Affordable Care Act to Yet Another Democratic Entitlement We Told You So Neener Neener.

Sequester Day

Sequester Day
All my troubles seemed so far away.
Now I have to do without my pay.
That’s not okay.
Sequester Day.

Suddenly
I’m a victim of the G.O.P.
All my colleagues at the D.O.D.
Can’t seem to see a role for me.

Why I’m on furlough
I don't know.
It’s so unfair.
They blame deficits
But those twits
Don’t really ca-a-a-are.

Sequester Day.
But I still have all my bills to pay.
The election didn’t go their way
But still they made
Sequester Day.
Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!

Speaker of the House

Welcome, new reps!
I’ll swear you in.
Then take your seats so we can begin.
No storm relief.
No raising tax.
Well, that’s enough. Let’s all go relax.
Seldom do you see
In the GOP
A gentle representative who’s meant to be …

Speaker of the House,
He’s the gavel guy.
Just don’t try to cross him or he’ll have to cry.
See how hard he tries
Pleasing everyone.
Works so hard there’s never time to get things done.
Glad to do a friend a favor,
And to do it really fast,
Just as long as it’s not getting any legislation passed.

Breaking News

The breaking news is that there are no new breakthroughs in the last minute negotiations to avoid the fiscal precipice. This fiscal escarpment was created by Congress when it failed to reach a compromise in the debt ceiling debacle last year. The fiscal bluff was designed to be objectionable to both parties, to force them to find a better solution. Of course, we know how well that worked.

Stay tuned for further late breaking reports about the lack of news about late breakthroughs in the fiscal crag crisis.

Why the Wealthy Deserve It

It's the Jobs, Stupid

President Obama addressed a joint session of Congress last night, outlining his $447-billion proposal to alleviate unemployment in the U.S. The speech had been re-scheduled from Wednesday to avoid a conflict with the all-Republican edition of Last Comic Standing. Even so, the speech was scheduled to end in time for the somewhat less contentious Saints/Packers game.

Obama outlined a series of measures which have had bipartisan support in the past, urging Congress to pass them "right away." Highlights include expanding existing payroll tax cuts, and allocating $140-billion for infrastructure work on schools, roads and bridges. The President assured Congress the large cost of the proposal would be borne by Warren Buffet.

Mr. Obama remarked that he'd be taking his message to "every corner of this country." Republicans were quick to point out that the country lies on the surface of a sphere, and therefore doesn't have corners in the Euclidean sense. However, Sarah Palin later refudiated this statement, saying the round earth idea was "just a theory."

Otherwise, Republicans gave the speech an uncharacteristically conciliatory response. House Speaker John Boehner said it "didn't totally suck", prompting Majority Leader Eric Cantor to retort "Yeah, well you only saw him from the back."  In particular, Mr. Obama urged Republicans who have taken the "no tax increases" pledge not to break that pledge now, triggering a torrent of tax increase proposals from the GOP.

Agreeing to Disagree

The phrase "agree to disagree" is commonly used to dismiss arguments and debates between people with irreconcilable viewpoints. In essence, the phrase means the two sides will never see eye to eye, and everyone should just move on.

In the U.S. Congress, however, that approach has become standard operating procedure. In the recent debt ceiling debacle, the only way to pass any legislation at all was to get both sides to settle their differences later. The final settlement will be done with pistols at sunrise or, more violently, with a congressional super-committee.

To get the fireworks going promptly, all of the Republican appointees to this committee have signed the "no new tax" pledge. Basically, this means they've sworn not to consider all the options. It's kind of like a criminal trial where half the jurors have already promised not to find the defendant guilty.

Democrats meanwhile, in a characteristic show of strength, have not managed to appoint all their members yet.

This committee will have to decide how to trim $1.5 trillion from the federal budget over the next decade. This task is complicated by the "no tax" pledge, the latest economic events, and the recent Netflix rate increase.

The committee has until Thanksgiving to complete its work and come up with a mutually agreeable plan to solve debt problems. If they can't agree (What are the odds?), then a bunch of automatic cuts will kick in, causing Democrats to howl and Republicans to sniff indignantly. With this powerful incentive, we can be sure the committee will be just as productive and non-partisan as the last round of deficit reduction talks.