A Plea

If you’re a Hillary supporter, I’ve got nothing to say to you.

If you’re a Trump supporter, I have even less for you.

I want to talk to the others … the undecideds, the disaffected Bernie-philes, even the Gary Johnson-ites and the Jill Stein-likers. I’m not just going to say the usual crap about how your vote matters. It matters more than most.

I don’t need to tell you this is a very weird election year. It’s the Reality TV election. We don’t just want our candidate to win. We want the opponent to be voted off the island. To be fired.

Because, let’s face it, this country has become more polarized than it’s been at any time since the last Presidential election. We don’t simply favor one set of policies over another. Ha! How laughably quaint.

No, we’re convinced that only our candidate is even fit for office. We steadfastly cling to the belief that anyone but our candidate would destroy the country and plunge the world into war. Of course, that’s only true of one of the candidates.

Voters rarely base their decisions on the issues. Ordinary Americans can not be expected to weigh the kinds of complex trade-offs between helping families and children versus expelling 11 million immigrants and building a wall to keep them from coming back.

Instead, we like to vote on personality. Each candidate is really a character we’ve come to know, and we love them or hate them based on their roles.

Jill Stein, for example, is the self-righteous better-than-thou environmentalist. “What? You threw out that coffee cup?”

Gary Johnson is the happy-go-lucky doofus. Barney Fife on drugs.

Hillary is the Energizer Bunny. Or maybe Lucy, trying to keep up with the conveyor belt of lies and fabrications about her.

And Trump, of course, is Ralph Kramden. Fred Flintstone. All the bellowing and tantrums, but none of the charm.

So vote for the cartoon character of your choice, but vote!

The Showdown

The Ruffians Are Coming

At their lively debates GOP candidates
Try attacking each other while grinning.
“Choker,” “Il Douche,” “False-staff” … they’d be making us laugh
Were it not for the chance of one winning.

Acting presidential’s not inconsequential.
You don’t just come out and start swinging.
In a discussion forum you need some decorum
To be worthy at all of West Wing-ing.

And In This Corner ...

The Week in Viral Memes

Debate Highlights

For those of you who missed the recent presidential debates, or simply want to enjoy them again, we present selected highlights.

Romney: We’re opposed to abortion except in cases of rape, incest or the health of the mother.
Moderator: Let’s move on.
Romney: Wait. I have to respond to my last statement.
Moderator: Governor Romney, you agreed to these rules.
Romney: Why are you attacking me instead of focussing on the issues?

---

Romney: Of course corporations are people. When I was at Bain, we bought and sold them just like congressmen.

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Obama: Earlier, you took a position to the far right. Now we see you’re moving back to center.
Romney: This is where the TV people told me to stand.
Obama: I’m talking about your policies.
Romney: So am I.

---

Moderator: Gentlemen, we've seen a number of mass shootings in schools, in movie theaters. Don't you think it's finally time to take some serious action to control guns?
Romney: You see, we don't need more teachers. We just need to ensure that our existing teachers are better armed.
Moderator: Mr. President?  Mr. President?
Obama: I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?

---

Romney: As I've said repeatedly, the President's biggest strategic mistake is revealing his timetable for withdrawing from Afghanistan.
Moderator: So you would not commit to a deadline?
Romney: Oh, we'll be out of there by 2014. Absolutely. I'm just not going to announce that.

---

Obama: Governor Romney, you said that we should just let Detroit go bankrupt.
Romney: No I didn't.
Obama: Governon Romney, we have copies of the New York Times op-ed piece in which you said that.
Romney: Why are you attacking me, instead of focussing on the issues?

Round 3

Round 2

Snake Oil

Round 1

Pre-Game Show

Just as thrill-seekers take up extreme sports for the excitement of putting their lives at risk, Mitt Romney, a serious contender for Most Boring Candidate of the Year, has found a way to relieve the monotony by committing near fatal gaffes. Of course, neither he nor the President are up for any charisma awards. They both lack the winking wit of Bill Clinton, or even the Gomer Pyle gosh-iness of George W. Bush. So how will they manage to entertain us during the debates?

Perhaps they will resort to discussing issues. In that event, we want you to be prepared. So here is a sneak peek at likely topics for the upcoming debates.

The Economy - We’re all familiar with this one. Obama wants to improve the economy by investing in our future. Romney, like any good corporate executive, would deal with it like a corporate executive.

The Middle East - Given the turmoil in the Middle East, and the association with terrorism, this is a very hot topic. Obama will stabilize the Middle East by investing in our future. Romney, in contrast, would deal with it like a corporate executive.

The Environment - This issue has remained on the front burner, despite the fact that most Americans have forgotten what it means. Obama will address our environmental concerns by investing in our future. Romney will solve our environmental issues like a corporate executive.

Wealth Distribution - We’re waiting to see if this actually comes up, given the lingering vestiges of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Obama will, of course, invest in our future. Romney … well, you know the drill.

Hmmm. Maybe they could learn to juggle.

Decision 2012

Agreeing to Disagree

The phrase "agree to disagree" is commonly used to dismiss arguments and debates between people with irreconcilable viewpoints. In essence, the phrase means the two sides will never see eye to eye, and everyone should just move on.

In the U.S. Congress, however, that approach has become standard operating procedure. In the recent debt ceiling debacle, the only way to pass any legislation at all was to get both sides to settle their differences later. The final settlement will be done with pistols at sunrise or, more violently, with a congressional super-committee.

To get the fireworks going promptly, all of the Republican appointees to this committee have signed the "no new tax" pledge. Basically, this means they've sworn not to consider all the options. It's kind of like a criminal trial where half the jurors have already promised not to find the defendant guilty.

Democrats meanwhile, in a characteristic show of strength, have not managed to appoint all their members yet.

This committee will have to decide how to trim $1.5 trillion from the federal budget over the next decade. This task is complicated by the "no tax" pledge, the latest economic events, and the recent Netflix rate increase.

The committee has until Thanksgiving to complete its work and come up with a mutually agreeable plan to solve debt problems. If they can't agree (What are the odds?), then a bunch of automatic cuts will kick in, causing Democrats to howl and Republicans to sniff indignantly. With this powerful incentive, we can be sure the committee will be just as productive and non-partisan as the last round of deficit reduction talks.