The Cause

My adolescence and early adulthood were marked by a series of movements … the peace movement, the free love movement, the earth movement, the civil rights movement, the feminism movement … all expressions of liberating ideas and the power of large numbers. And because these occurred during my formative years, these ideas took root.

Of course, activism had its day. People moved on to disco and leisure suits. But I had internalized these movements, and have carried with me the ideals and values of peace, love and all-around coolness of being. And I have found my own way to express these values … cynicism.

That’s right. Mockery, snide remarks and a smug sense of superiority have sustained me and the movement ideas I carry. They’ve allowed me to sneer contemptuously at the money-grubbing Capitalists that all the Beatle-loving hippie, yuppie, bubble-gummy, preppie, disco, punk, metal freaks have become.

I have not changed. I still cling to those ideals of my youth.Those, and the belief that humankind was somehow getting more enlightened. More rational and fact-based. More open and accepting of new and different ideas.

But all that was defeated on November 8, 2016.

Ballad Box

A guy on Facebook tried to tell me Hillary is crooked.

I told him that the FBI and Congress  had both looked

And neither could find evidence on which she could be tried.

Says he, "That only goes to prove how thoroughly she lied."

I said, "She had an email server at her residence,

The FBI examined it and found no evidence

That any of the emails there would constitute a crime."

The guy said, quite disdainfully, "Wait. Just give them time."

"Through multiple investigations of Benghazi's raid,

The embassy's security could well have used more aid

But that was cut," I protested, "by your own GOP.

"Nevertheless," the man said, "the blame lies with Hillary."

I soon grew tired of going 'round in this political waltz.

The guy's answer to everything was "Hillary is false.

Don't you see the string of crimes she casually denies?

The proof of guilt is in the way she spews out all those lies!"

"So in your view, she must be guilty if she won't confess?

But if there's been no crime, maybe it's really truthfulness."

The guy replied "Well, can it be you're really such a chump?

The only one who tells the truth ... he said so ... 's Donald Trump."

Ok, Trump Supporters ...

We get it! You’re angry with “the system.” Government is completely corrupt and needs to be taken down and replaced. But please take a moment to think about a couple of things.

First, you know that Hillary Clinton is evil. You know she lied about her emails, and failed to stop the terrorists in Benghazi. Above all, you know the mainstream media have a liberal bias and are all just lying to benefit her and to blame Trump. So most people are not getting the truth.

But how do you know all this? If the mainstream media are all liars, where are you getting your information? Web sites? Facebook posts? Trump speeches? Isn’t it possible … bear with me here … isn’t it just possible that your information sources, the ones that really know how evil Hillary is, are biased too? Isn’t there at least a tiny chance that whatever information sources you’re using are not perfect angels? That they may be trying to make Hillary look bad?

Also, while Trump says he’s the champion of the little guy … the one who’s going to help the middle classes … isn’t it possible that he is lying? After all, he’s a rich (maybe billionaire-rich) guy from New York. We have no experience with him in any kind of public life, so we really don’t know what he’s going to do.

And if you’re a Bernie supporter who’s just voting for Trump to spite Hillary and the Democratic party? Well, that’s just fucking stupid.

A Plea

If you’re a Hillary supporter, I’ve got nothing to say to you.

If you’re a Trump supporter, I have even less for you.

I want to talk to the others … the undecideds, the disaffected Bernie-philes, even the Gary Johnson-ites and the Jill Stein-likers. I’m not just going to say the usual crap about how your vote matters. It matters more than most.

I don’t need to tell you this is a very weird election year. It’s the Reality TV election. We don’t just want our candidate to win. We want the opponent to be voted off the island. To be fired.

Because, let’s face it, this country has become more polarized than it’s been at any time since the last Presidential election. We don’t simply favor one set of policies over another. Ha! How laughably quaint.

No, we’re convinced that only our candidate is even fit for office. We steadfastly cling to the belief that anyone but our candidate would destroy the country and plunge the world into war. Of course, that’s only true of one of the candidates.

Voters rarely base their decisions on the issues. Ordinary Americans can not be expected to weigh the kinds of complex trade-offs between helping families and children versus expelling 11 million immigrants and building a wall to keep them from coming back.

Instead, we like to vote on personality. Each candidate is really a character we’ve come to know, and we love them or hate them based on their roles.

Jill Stein, for example, is the self-righteous better-than-thou environmentalist. “What? You threw out that coffee cup?”

Gary Johnson is the happy-go-lucky doofus. Barney Fife on drugs.

Hillary is the Energizer Bunny. Or maybe Lucy, trying to keep up with the conveyor belt of lies and fabrications about her.

And Trump, of course, is Ralph Kramden. Fred Flintstone. All the bellowing and tantrums, but none of the charm.

So vote for the cartoon character of your choice, but vote!

The Incredible Trump

Spotlights

It's You!

This year’s Presidential race is certainly one of the most dramatic in recent memory. On one side, we have a wealthy real estate developer trying to prove he’s as just as narrow-minded, bigoted and out of touch as his closest rival. On the other side, two career politicians are each trying to show, in a completely non-judgmental, egalitarian way how awful the other is. And enormously weighty issues are on the table, from national security to immigration to tax policy to the size of a candidate’s … uh, hands.

And who do we have to thank for this spectacle? You!

That’s right. You, the voter, make all of this happen.

Not only are you the audience for whom these fools perform, but by decades of uninformed and irrational voting, you’ve helped to create this clown show we call the government.

Seriously, none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Extreme Right Wing Republicans have been getting trounced by even more extreme Right Wing Repubilcans for a decade. And the increasingly politically correct Democrats are tripping over themselves to see whether the first woman president or the first Jewish/agnostic president should have the honor of following the first black president.

And, of course, anyone winning a race by even the narrowest of margins still thinks it’s a mandate of almost divine proportions to begin hacking up our current laws and values. “Ok, folks, time to get rid of the Environmental Protection Agency, the Food and Drug Administration and the IRS. The environment’s overrated. Food and drugs should be up to the individual. And the IRS? Ha! Who needs ‘em? Anyone worth taxing doesn’t pay anyway!”

There was a time when students took civics in school, and learned what the point of all this government was. Believe it or not, the government is not there to block nominations or sequester the budget or to shut itself down. It’s not there to keep picking fights with foreign governments, or to ignore the crumbling roads and bridges.

No, the government is there for a much higher purpose.

To keep us entertained between elections.

The Ruffians Are Coming

At their lively debates GOP candidates
Try attacking each other while grinning.
“Choker,” “Il Douche,” “False-staff” … they’d be making us laugh
Were it not for the chance of one winning.

Acting presidential’s not inconsequential.
You don’t just come out and start swinging.
In a discussion forum you need some decorum
To be worthy at all of West Wing-ing.

Limerick of the Day #135

We’re all fretting about Donald Trump

Who is really a pain in the rump

Not just for the sane

But the other inane

G.O.P. candidates on the stump.

Same Old Saga

And In This Corner ...

WTF Tuesday: Campaigns

Once again, it’s time for WTF Tuesday. As you know, readers can submit questions on any topic to wtf@techcurmudgeon.info, and we may eventually get around to offering some kind of response, probably not including an answer.

This week’s question is on the minds of many of our alert readers, and we’re sure one of them would have gotten around to asking us sooner or later.

Question

Trump? Really?

Answer

Now that Election 2016 is officially underway, news media are making room amidst the sports, celebrities and automobile ads for reporting about campaign escapades. It breaks up the monotony. And some of the cheapest filler available are poll results.

These polls aggregate the opinions of prospective voters who have given as much serious thought to the candidates as they have to, say, Spongebob Squarepants. In fact, polls show that if the election were held today, Spongebob would win by a wide margin. Unless, of course, he were an actual person and a candidate.

So into this media void rides Donald Trump. His appearance and his manner are wacky enough to provide entertainment. And he has enough money to keep his campaign going.

In the 1960’s, there was a computer program called ELIZA that could mimic some basic human language. One flavor of it spoofed a psychiatrist by picking words and phrases out of comments entered by the user, and turning them into probing questions about that user’s psyche. If the user entered My mother hates me, ELIZA might respond Who else in your family hates you? It was essentially a parlor trick, but effective enough to give the impression that there was some intelligence there.

In essence, this is what Trump does with Republican themes.

• Interviewer: John McCain was a POW.
• Trump: I like people who didn’t get caught.
• Interviewer: I know some Mexican immigrants.
• Trump: Mexican immigrants are drug dealers.
• Interviewer: Here’s a picture of Carly Fiorina.
• Trump: Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?
• Interviewer: Say ‘hello’ to Megyn Kelly.
• Trump: You’re fired!

So, in short, no, not really. Enjoy the show while it lasts. President Squarepants will.

Ramping Up

Ok, I want to write a whole post about Chris Christie without mentioning his weight.

Like most Americans, I know only four things about Christie:

1. He’s Governor of New Jersey.
2. He hugged Obama after Hurricane Sandy.
3. He’s the leading Republican candidate for president in 2016.
4. He was very close to, if not directly involved with, GWBridge-gate. Or Traffic-gate. Or Fort Lee-gate. Or whatever you want to call it.

If he does actually wind up running in 2016, we’re all going to know a good deal more about him. So I want to anticipate and meet that demand before any actual facts emerge.

First, you should understand that as a New Yorker, I regard New Jersey as a convenient place to end the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels. (I was going to say it holds up its end of the George Washington Bridge, but under the circumstances …) ¹

I guess the four-and-a-halfth thing we know about Christie is that he’s not exactly popular with the extreme right factions of the Republican party. His bromance with Obama after Hurricane Sandy certainly didn’t help him there. Luckily for him, he’s shown himself to be the kind of tough, steadfast leader who’s willing to fire his own staff after only a few weeks of denials.

Political pundits, prone to pre-election prognostications that can’t be proven wrong immediately, have already picked Christie and Hillary Clinton as the likely contenders in 2016. Such a contest would qualify as a subway series in baseball terms. (You’d have to count the PATH train as a subway, but hey, maybe Christie could find a way to shut that down too.)

So, in short, you’re going to be seeing a lot more of Chris Christie, both his grand plans and possibly his gross misconduct. He looms large on the political horizon. Since he is massively popular in New Jersey and just won a landslide re-election there, his shoes might be hard to fill. But the enormous lure of the White House may exert its gravitational pull. He may indeed be our next president, a position of immense weight, whose impact would be felt around the world.

But I didn't say that he's fat.

¹Well, not really. Some of my best friends are New Jerseyans. (New Jerseyites?)

And in other news ...

Now that we’ve survived the momentous election of 2012, in which a flood of money and hurricane force winds of hot air brought us more or less the same government we had before, it’s time we turned our attention to other pressing matters.

But I can’t. For one thing, it’s deeply gratifying to see that Mitt Romney has not let failure go to his head. Actually, it seems there’s not much he does let go to his head. He’s still the same lovable clueless doof he always was. Instead of railing against the now famous 47% of Americans who minimize their taxes almost as effectively as he does, Romney has accused Obama of buying votes by adopting policies that actually benefit millions of people. Egads!

Obama, meanwhile, has signaled that he’s going to be a force to be reckoned with during his second term. He’s not going to let the Republicans walk all over him as he has in the past. From now on, they’ll have to take their shoes off.

Of course, the shocking, earth-shattering news is that someone in a position of power committed adultery. Now there's nothing unusual about famous, powerful people engaging in hanky-panky. We’ve all seen stories ranging from Bill Clinton's receiving the head of state to the former bodybuilder turned actor turned California Governor impregnating his staff to the jealous, Depends-wearing astronaut trying to avoid bathroom stops as she drove furiously across country to assault her rival. But the remarkable thing about the David Petraeus story is ... there's nothing remarkable about it. Seriously. The guy was having an affair. Boring.

Why are we even still talking about it?

Battle Hymn of the Republicans

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the GOP campaign.
We have nominated Romney. (All the others were insane.)
We don’t have to have a plan ‘cause all we have to do’s complain.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus:
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
The campaign marches on.

Oh, the rich will solve our problems. They could do it all today
But they’re feeling so inhibited by taxes they must pay.
They’re against anything Keynesian. After all the man was gay.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Republicans deny that man-made climate change is true.
They just want to keep on drilling, mining and keep fracking too,
‘Cause the sea waters are rising and the coastal states are blue.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

We would not have bailed Detroit out. Then again maybe we would.
Both FEMA and the EPA are bad, except when good.
For whatever is my stance is not near anyplace I’ve stood.
Mitt Romney marches … uh, whatever.

Chorus

I can’t wait until election night to finally get some sleep
When our country has a President and very hopeful Veep.
The voters will deserve it. As you sow, so shall you reap.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Seriously. The Election.

There are now only 8 shopping days until Election Day, and holiday spirit is in the air. Friend turns against friend, and fan page against fan page. As always, people seem to think their side is the only remotely reasonable one, and people supporting the other side must be crazy.

But all this rancor is counter-productive (except for some really funny videos), so, as a public service, I’d like to remind everyone of the following:

1. Both parties are full of it. Really. No matter what they say, they are both basically in the business of hustling for contributions, and that means sucking up to the organizations that can really pour it on. And now, thanks to the Supreme Court, that means every corporation, with no limits. A corporation’s priority is to make as much money as it can, and now the political parties’ priority is to help them do it.
2. All candidates are full of it. But I’m not that cynical. I’m sure some of them actually believe what they’re saying, that they’re fundamentally virtuous people who just have to make a few compromises, like building a pipeline to move environmentally disastrous oil sands oil across the U. S. because hey, Exxon Mobile can really heap the simoleons on our campaign. See item #1.
3. Nobody knows how to fix the economy. It’s true. Nobody. The Democrats obviously don’t, and the Republicans don’t even think it’s broken. This is what they’ve been trying to achieve for over 30 years. It’s called “starving the beast.” Google it.
4. Campaign ads, and especially quotes taken out of context by the other side, are always meaningless. Everybody’s looking for ways to make the other side look bad. Of course they’re going to slice and dice every random comment a candidate ever made to try to make it sound damning. It doesn’t matter what these guys say because a) their jobs are not about talking, and b) they’re all lying anyway. (See item #2.) When a campaign ad starts, hit the Mute button.
5. Yes, the welfare state is expensive, but so are cars. You don’t hear anyone talking about dismantling roads. 

So, if all this is true, does it really make a difference which side wins? In a word, YES. Yes, it absolutely does, for one very important reason.

There’s one big distinction between these parties. The Republican Party embraces ignorance! That’s the deal breaker. This party actively condones and encourages the denial of biology and meteorology. They welcome the evolution deniers and climate change deniers and rape deniers as if these were equally valid opinions. They’re not! Plain and simple. Ignorance is not just a different opinion. And it’s not something to be proud of.

Debate Highlights

For those of you who missed the recent presidential debates, or simply want to enjoy them again, we present selected highlights.

Romney: We’re opposed to abortion except in cases of rape, incest or the health of the mother.
Moderator: Let’s move on.
Romney: Wait. I have to respond to my last statement.
Moderator: Governor Romney, you agreed to these rules.
Romney: Why are you attacking me instead of focussing on the issues?

---

Romney: Of course corporations are people. When I was at Bain, we bought and sold them just like congressmen.

---

Obama: Earlier, you took a position to the far right. Now we see you’re moving back to center.
Romney: This is where the TV people told me to stand.
Obama: I’m talking about your policies.
Romney: So am I.

---

Moderator: Gentlemen, we've seen a number of mass shootings in schools, in movie theaters. Don't you think it's finally time to take some serious action to control guns?
Romney: You see, we don't need more teachers. We just need to ensure that our existing teachers are better armed.
Moderator: Mr. President?  Mr. President?
Obama: I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?

---

Romney: As I've said repeatedly, the President's biggest strategic mistake is revealing his timetable for withdrawing from Afghanistan.
Moderator: So you would not commit to a deadline?
Romney: Oh, we'll be out of there by 2014. Absolutely. I'm just not going to announce that.

---

Obama: Governor Romney, you said that we should just let Detroit go bankrupt.
Romney: No I didn't.
Obama: Governon Romney, we have copies of the New York Times op-ed piece in which you said that.
Romney: Why are you attacking me, instead of focussing on the issues?

Round 3

Round 2

Snake Oil