It's You!

This year’s Presidential race is certainly one of the most dramatic in recent memory. On one side, we have a wealthy real estate developer trying to prove he’s as just as narrow-minded, bigoted and out of touch as his closest rival. On the other side, two career politicians are each trying to show, in a completely non-judgmental, egalitarian way how awful the other is. And enormously weighty issues are on the table, from national security to immigration to tax policy to the size of a candidate’s … uh, hands.

And who do we have to thank for this spectacle? You!

That’s right. You, the voter, make all of this happen.

Not only are you the audience for whom these fools perform, but by decades of uninformed and irrational voting, you’ve helped to create this clown show we call the government.

Seriously, none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Extreme Right Wing Republicans have been getting trounced by even more extreme Right Wing Repubilcans for a decade. And the increasingly politically correct Democrats are tripping over themselves to see whether the first woman president or the first Jewish/agnostic president should have the honor of following the first black president.

And, of course, anyone winning a race by even the narrowest of margins still thinks it’s a mandate of almost divine proportions to begin hacking up our current laws and values. “Ok, folks, time to get rid of the Environmental Protection Agency, the Food and Drug Administration and the IRS. The environment’s overrated. Food and drugs should be up to the individual. And the IRS? Ha! Who needs ‘em? Anyone worth taxing doesn’t pay anyway!”

There was a time when students took civics in school, and learned what the point of all this government was. Believe it or not, the government is not there to block nominations or sequester the budget or to shut itself down. It’s not there to keep picking fights with foreign governments, or to ignore the crumbling roads and bridges.

No, the government is there for a much higher purpose.

To keep us entertained between elections.

The Ruffians Are Coming

At their lively debates GOP candidates
Try attacking each other while grinning.
“Choker,” “Il Douche,” “False-staff” … they’d be making us laugh
Were it not for the chance of one winning.

Acting presidential’s not inconsequential.
You don’t just come out and start swinging.
In a discussion forum you need some decorum
To be worthy at all of West Wing-ing.

Battle Hymn of the Republicans

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the GOP campaign.
We have nominated Romney. (All the others were insane.)
We don’t have to have a plan ‘cause all we have to do’s complain.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus:
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
The campaign marches on.

Oh, the rich will solve our problems. They could do it all today
But they’re feeling so inhibited by taxes they must pay.
They’re against anything Keynesian. After all the man was gay.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Republicans deny that man-made climate change is true.
They just want to keep on drilling, mining and keep fracking too,
‘Cause the sea waters are rising and the coastal states are blue.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

We would not have bailed Detroit out. Then again maybe we would.
Both FEMA and the EPA are bad, except when good.
For whatever is my stance is not near anyplace I’ve stood.
Mitt Romney marches … uh, whatever.

Chorus

I can’t wait until election night to finally get some sleep
When our country has a President and very hopeful Veep.
The voters will deserve it. As you sow, so shall you reap.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Debate Highlights

For those of you who missed the recent presidential debates, or simply want to enjoy them again, we present selected highlights.

Romney: We’re opposed to abortion except in cases of rape, incest or the health of the mother.
Moderator: Let’s move on.
Romney: Wait. I have to respond to my last statement.
Moderator: Governor Romney, you agreed to these rules.
Romney: Why are you attacking me instead of focussing on the issues?

---

Romney: Of course corporations are people. When I was at Bain, we bought and sold them just like congressmen.

---

Obama: Earlier, you took a position to the far right. Now we see you’re moving back to center.
Romney: This is where the TV people told me to stand.
Obama: I’m talking about your policies.
Romney: So am I.

---

Moderator: Gentlemen, we've seen a number of mass shootings in schools, in movie theaters. Don't you think it's finally time to take some serious action to control guns?
Romney: You see, we don't need more teachers. We just need to ensure that our existing teachers are better armed.
Moderator: Mr. President?  Mr. President?
Obama: I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?

---

Romney: As I've said repeatedly, the President's biggest strategic mistake is revealing his timetable for withdrawing from Afghanistan.
Moderator: So you would not commit to a deadline?
Romney: Oh, we'll be out of there by 2014. Absolutely. I'm just not going to announce that.

---

Obama: Governor Romney, you said that we should just let Detroit go bankrupt.
Romney: No I didn't.
Obama: Governon Romney, we have copies of the New York Times op-ed piece in which you said that.
Romney: Why are you attacking me, instead of focussing on the issues?

Round 3

Snake Oil

Round 1

Pre-Game Show

Just as thrill-seekers take up extreme sports for the excitement of putting their lives at risk, Mitt Romney, a serious contender for Most Boring Candidate of the Year, has found a way to relieve the monotony by committing near fatal gaffes. Of course, neither he nor the President are up for any charisma awards. They both lack the winking wit of Bill Clinton, or even the Gomer Pyle gosh-iness of George W. Bush. So how will they manage to entertain us during the debates?

Perhaps they will resort to discussing issues. In that event, we want you to be prepared. So here is a sneak peek at likely topics for the upcoming debates.

The Economy - We’re all familiar with this one. Obama wants to improve the economy by investing in our future. Romney, like any good corporate executive, would deal with it like a corporate executive.

The Middle East - Given the turmoil in the Middle East, and the association with terrorism, this is a very hot topic. Obama will stabilize the Middle East by investing in our future. Romney, in contrast, would deal with it like a corporate executive.

The Environment - This issue has remained on the front burner, despite the fact that most Americans have forgotten what it means. Obama will address our environmental concerns by investing in our future. Romney will solve our environmental issues like a corporate executive.

Wealth Distribution - We’re waiting to see if this actually comes up, given the lingering vestiges of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Obama will, of course, invest in our future. Romney … well, you know the drill.

Hmmm. Maybe they could learn to juggle.

Decision 2012

On Message

How to Vote

Everybody seems to agonize over the elections. It’s really much simpler than people seem to think.

First, turn off the TV and radio, and close the newspapers. They just tell you what the candidates are doing and saying. That really doesn’t matter. They'll do or say anything to get elected. They're like little kids before Christmas. Of course, the media want you to think it matters because that’s how they sell advertising. But really, it comes down to just two questions:

1. What does the candidate want to do?
2. How effective will he be in doing it?

In other words, does he have good ideas, and is he likely to get them acted on? (I’m using “he” here for the current presidential contest, but this works for any candidate.)

So the results can be summed up in this table:

	Ideas
Effectiveness	good	bad
dynamo	3	0
dork	2	1

Obviously your best option is someone who can get good ideas acted on. Someone who can get bad ideas executed is the worst possibility. If neither candidate can get anything done, you’re still better off with one who has good ideas. In short, just look them up in the table and vote for the candidate with the highest score.

Now, how does this apply to the current presidential race? First lets look at the ideas department.

Romney, like pretty much all Republicans, wants to get government (welfare, police, firefighters, teachers, etc.) off the backs of corporations and rich people. Those corporations and rich people will then make sure that everyone who’s worthy will be able to get a job, and that all products will be safe and environment-friendly.

Obama, like pretty much all Democrats, thinks government should protect the public by providing services and regulating businesses so even the underprivileged have a viable lifestyle, and so we don't screw up the planet too much. You can decide for yourself which are good or bad ideas.

And effectiveness? Of course, there are degrees between dynamo and dork, but lets pretend we can view everything in the extreme. (Isn’t that part of the fun of politics?)

Obama has faced very stiff opposition, and yet was able to pass the Affordable Care Act, target and kill Osama bin Laden and other al Qaeda leaders, get rid of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and accomplish various other progressive measures. On the other hand, he has not been able to get rid of the Bush-era Tax Cuts for the wealthy, he gave up on the single-payer/public option for health care, and he has not exactly turned the economy around.

Stunningly, Romney has been very effective at accomplishing the exact opposite of what he now proposes. At Bain, he destroyed jobs, and as Governor of Massachusetts, he instituted near universal health coverage with mandatory insurance, raised revenue, upheld abortion rights (for a while, anyway), supported some gun control, and endorsed same-sex unions (for a while anyway, and not including marriage.) So does this make him a very effective flip-flopper, or a very ineffective conservative? Hard to say.

Of course, it’s almost impossible for anyone to be really effective given the partisanship of Washington. (That’s the other part of the fun of politics.) So it comes down to a choice between two marginally effective candidates. Pick the one whose ideas suck less.

Campaign 2012