Going Backwards

Executive orders protecting our borders
Are really not likely to work
As it’s known through the land
That the pen’s in the hand
Of an orange-faced wispy-haired jerk

Another big goal, to revitalize coal,
Will go bust with its dust and pollution.
Energy companies can already foresee
There are cleaner and better solutions.

Republicans don’t serve the public and
They are beholden to the one percent.
This constituency donates generously
To their campaigns the millions they’ve spent.

They rob from the poor so the rich can have more
Leaving nothing for food, schools or health.
So let’s not pretend they have any agenda
But redistribution of wealth.

Let Them Have It

Sometimes I think Trump opponents should drop the resistance. Just stop. Let them have it. Let Trump and the GOP have it. They already own the entire government and, by extension, the country.

When 2018 and 2020 come around, they’ll have no one but themselves to blame. They won’t be able to point the finger at protesters, or obstructionist legislators, or even the media.

If we let them have it, they’ll surely tank themselves.

But then I think … when the GOP sells off mineral and land rights to government land, we’ll never get that back.

When we build pipelines through precious land, we’ll never get that back.

When mining companies dump waste into rivers and streams, we’re not getting those back.

When we lose out on hopeful immigrants who look to the U.S. as a haven of liberty, we’ll never get them back.

When we unleash bigotry and hatred, thus losing our decency as a people, we’ll never get that back.

When we antagonize some of our most trusted allies, we’re never … well, we might get them back, but we’ll have to grovel.

And when the U.S. becomes a laughing stock around the world, completely losing its leadership position and its role as the foremost example of democracy at work … that’s never coming back.

But most of all, while social safety net programs might be reinstated in saner times, the people who, through no fault of their own, depend on these for healthcare and sustenance, may be lost forever.

The Ruffians Are Coming

At their lively debates GOP candidates
Try attacking each other while grinning.
“Choker,” “Il Douche,” “False-staff” … they’d be making us laugh
Were it not for the chance of one winning.

Acting presidential’s not inconsequential.
You don’t just come out and start swinging.
In a discussion forum you need some decorum
To be worthy at all of West Wing-ing.

While I Was Out

Apparently while I’ve been recovering from surgery, the world has continued its business as usual. I thought this would be a good time to recap some recent developments.

In the latest debt ceiling battle, Congress has decided to play Good GOP/Bad GOP. Speaker Boehner, taking the role of “good GOP,” at least by comparison, is asking President Obama to help him rein in the more unruly elements in his party by giving him a bone to throw them. Obama, with his characteristic steadfastness and fearless leadership, responded “Um … ok.”

In Syria, the U.S. concluded that Bashar al-Assad had indeed used chemical weapons against Syrian rebels. Obama was in the midst of seeking Congressional and world support for tactical strikes against Syria, when Secretary of State Kerry impishly suggested that Assad could get off the hook by handing over all his chemical weapons (impishness being, of course, one of the traits for which Kerry is known.) Assad jumped on the opportunity to start making demands. Obama, with his characteristic steadfastness and fearless leadership, responded “Um … ok.”

In its ongoing efforts to restore peace and democracy, the Egyptian army has slaughtered hundreds of protesters.

Former Harvard president, Treasury Secretary and White House advisor Lawrence Summers withdrew his name from consideration for chairmanship of the Federal Reserve, saying “There are plenty of other sexist plutocrats to consider, even among Democrats.” President Obama, with his characteristic steadfastness and fearless leadership, responded “Um … ok.”

Sequester Day

Sequester Day
All my troubles seemed so far away.
Now I have to do without my pay.
That’s not okay.
Sequester Day.

Suddenly
I’m a victim of the G.O.P.
All my colleagues at the D.O.D.
Can’t seem to see a role for me.

Why I’m on furlough
I don't know.
It’s so unfair.
They blame deficits
But those twits
Don’t really ca-a-a-are.

Sequester Day.
But I still have all my bills to pay.
The election didn’t go their way
But still they made
Sequester Day.
Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!

Speaker of the House

Welcome, new reps!
I’ll swear you in.
Then take your seats so we can begin.
No storm relief.
No raising tax.
Well, that’s enough. Let’s all go relax.
Seldom do you see
In the GOP
A gentle representative who’s meant to be …

Speaker of the House,
He’s the gavel guy.
Just don’t try to cross him or he’ll have to cry.
See how hard he tries
Pleasing everyone.
Works so hard there’s never time to get things done.
Glad to do a friend a favor,
And to do it really fast,
Just as long as it’s not getting any legislation passed.

The Zombie Apocalypse Now

A lot of popular folklore (and some that's not so popular) centers around the zombie apocalypse. The idea is that zombies ... living dead people ... attack and destroy civilization as we know it. I'm fairly certain that civilization, at least as I know it, has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Nevertheless, I think it's important that we all learn to recognize the warning signs of a zombie apocalypse, so we can take immediate action.

First of all, how do we recognize zombies? The important characteristics are:

1) They are dead, but continue to move around and screw things up.

2) They feed on the brains of their victims.

3) They refuse to raise taxes, even on the top 1% of earners.

If, hypothetically of course, a group lost in a national election, but continued to try to blackmail the country into submission, that would suggest zombitude.

Also, again hypothetically, if a group tried to deny basic scientific findings like, oh, for example, climate change or evolution, that would be an attack on victims' brains. If they also tried to cut education funding, or to interfere with the teaching of science, that's a zombie-esque indicator. A clincher would be if that group, for example, tried to dictate who can or can't marry, or whether women can make their own reproductive choices.

And I don't have to tell you about taxes.

The signs of the apocalypse are equally clear:

1) The disruption of normal operations, even in the face of critical deadlines.

2) The confusion resulting from the disappearance of responsible news sources.

3) The Kardashians.

Of course we know the zombie apocalypse is just a fictional idea that could never actually happen. But it can't hurt to be prepared. Remember: See something, say something!

On Death and Voting

In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of coping with death:

1. Denial ("Can't be.  I've never felt better!")
2. Anger ("What!  Outrageous!!  I been waiting for the iPad 3!")
3. Bargaining ("I'll eat really healthy starting tomorrow!  No, wait.  Monday.  I'll start Monday.")
4. Depression ("Crap.")
5. Acceptance ("Oh, well.  Better clean up my hard drive.")

In some ways, the Republican nomination race has followed the same progression.  Think about it.

1. Denial ("Hey!  Michele Bachmann is pretty smart!")
2. Anger ("Oh yeah?  Then take Herman Cain!")
3. Bargaining ("How about Newt?  He had the whole Contract with America thing.")
4. Depression ("Santorum? Huntsman? Paul? Anybody?")
5. Acceptance ("Well, I guess it's Romney, even though he looks like one of those pictures that comes with a new frame when you buy it.")

Limerick of the Day #107

In the first-in-the-nation primary
All the way down from Derby to Derry,
N.H. voters chose Mitt.
May that win benefit
Him as much as it once did John Kerry.

It's Mitt, Part 2 (Limerick of the Day #106)

In their efforts to challenge Obama, Ne-
O-Cons have been snubbing Mitt Rom-a-ney.
Now he's passed the first test
By eight votes. Will the rest
Of the states finally make him the nominee?

NOTE: Limericks of the Day numbers 1-105 may be found at Ideas Great and Dumb.

It's Mitt

Mitt Romney scored a decisive victory over rival Rick Santorum last night in the Iowa Caucuses, winning by a whopping 8 votes.  That should give him plenty of momentum to carry into the New Hampshire Primary next week.

It seems Romney had the fortunate position of being everyone's second choice.  Most of the other leading candidates could have beaten him in a one-to-one contest, but in the current free-for-all, Romney wins, in effect, by losing.  While the other Republicans divided the ABM (Anyone But Mitt) vote, perennial bridesmaid Romney sashays to the fore.

Of course, this is good and bad news.  The former Massachusetts governor and reigning flip-flop champion is the only GOP candidate who could seriously take on Obama, but also the only one who's remotely qualified to serve as president.

Besides, think how much fun it will be to say "Romney the Nom'nee."