Going Backwards

Executive orders protecting our borders
Are really not likely to work
As it’s known through the land
That the pen’s in the hand
Of an orange-faced wispy-haired jerk

Another big goal, to revitalize coal,
Will go bust with its dust and pollution.
Energy companies can already foresee
There are cleaner and better solutions.

Republicans don’t serve the public and
They are beholden to the one percent.
This constituency donates generously
To their campaigns the millions they’ve spent.

They rob from the poor so the rich can have more
Leaving nothing for food, schools or health.
So let’s not pretend they have any agenda
But redistribution of wealth.

The Case Against Hillary Clinton

We know from this week’s Republican Convention that Hillary Clinton is the most nefarious criminal of all time. She has only avoided indictment, prosecution, conviction and incarceration because all of the agencies that might bring her to justice, including Congress, the FBI, the Justice Department and the Court of Public Opinion are all so swooney in love with her.

Hillary, who continually flouts the laws of fashion by dressing like a Weeble (“Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down!”), could very well be the first president to be impeached before being elected.

In fact, in just the past few years, Hillary Clinton personally led the 2012 attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya, and knowingly sent highly confidential state secrets to everyone at Starbucks using their public Wi-Fi. Of course, she’s never had to answer for any of this … never had to testify before a congressional committee or endure an FBI investigation … because she’s so wildly liked by everyone, despite the incredible amount of unquestionable evidence these interrogators might have found.

Hillary poses as someone who cares about people, but in fact, she only cares about average or disadvantaged people. She has completely failed to accommodate the unfortunate wealthy. Even now, these upper class job creators are facing unsurmountable challenges in having to pay taxes, and having to bend over backwards to avoid destroying the environment or produce safe products.

And she has completely failed to utter the words “radical Islamic terrorism”, which, like a magic spell, would make the threat immediately disappear.

Fortunately, we have a strong contingent of Trump supporters now mustering in Cleveland. These defenders of American greatness have inspired each other with such unassailable logic as “You deserve better because America deserves better” and “U.S.A.! … U.S.A.! … U.S.A.! … U.S.A.! …”

These staunch defenders of freedom are our best hope against Darth Clinton.

The Ruffians Are Coming

At their lively debates GOP candidates
Try attacking each other while grinning.
“Choker,” “Il Douche,” “False-staff” … they’d be making us laugh
Were it not for the chance of one winning.

Acting presidential’s not inconsequential.
You don’t just come out and start swinging.
In a discussion forum you need some decorum
To be worthy at all of West Wing-ing.

Same Old Saga

Supreme Courtship

Last week was momentous for a number of reasons, many of them having to do with the U.S. Supreme Court, affectionately known as SCOTUS. Just a few of the Court’s stunning decisions were:

1. The government is allowed to make it easier for poor people to buy health insurance.
2. Housing practices can be discriminatory even if the landlords didn’t write a letter to The New York Times saying: “I’m gonna commit discrimination!”
3. Two people can get married even if they have the same pee-pee parts.

In addition, conservatives discovered that giving up the Confederate flag is all it takes to appease gun control advocates for a while. Now they’ll have to devise more symbols to renounce.

Meanwhile, the Republican field grows ever wider and weirder. The GOP, that for years tried to recreate Reagan’s winning strategy of having an actor portray an intelligent, caring person, no longer seem to see the need for that.

Now if we can just get some action on climate change, we might survive long enough to enjoy all this grooviness.

Situation Normal

Sequester Day

Sequester Day
All my troubles seemed so far away.
Now I have to do without my pay.
That’s not okay.
Sequester Day.

Suddenly
I’m a victim of the G.O.P.
All my colleagues at the D.O.D.
Can’t seem to see a role for me.

Why I’m on furlough
I don't know.
It’s so unfair.
They blame deficits
But those twits
Don’t really ca-a-a-are.

Sequester Day.
But I still have all my bills to pay.
The election didn’t go their way
But still they made
Sequester Day.
Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!

Speaker of the House

Welcome, new reps!
I’ll swear you in.
Then take your seats so we can begin.
No storm relief.
No raising tax.
Well, that’s enough. Let’s all go relax.
Seldom do you see
In the GOP
A gentle representative who’s meant to be …

Speaker of the House,
He’s the gavel guy.
Just don’t try to cross him or he’ll have to cry.
See how hard he tries
Pleasing everyone.
Works so hard there’s never time to get things done.
Glad to do a friend a favor,
And to do it really fast,
Just as long as it’s not getting any legislation passed.

The Zombie Apocalypse Now

A lot of popular folklore (and some that's not so popular) centers around the zombie apocalypse. The idea is that zombies ... living dead people ... attack and destroy civilization as we know it. I'm fairly certain that civilization, at least as I know it, has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Nevertheless, I think it's important that we all learn to recognize the warning signs of a zombie apocalypse, so we can take immediate action.

First of all, how do we recognize zombies? The important characteristics are:

1) They are dead, but continue to move around and screw things up.

2) They feed on the brains of their victims.

3) They refuse to raise taxes, even on the top 1% of earners.

If, hypothetically of course, a group lost in a national election, but continued to try to blackmail the country into submission, that would suggest zombitude.

Also, again hypothetically, if a group tried to deny basic scientific findings like, oh, for example, climate change or evolution, that would be an attack on victims' brains. If they also tried to cut education funding, or to interfere with the teaching of science, that's a zombie-esque indicator. A clincher would be if that group, for example, tried to dictate who can or can't marry, or whether women can make their own reproductive choices.

And I don't have to tell you about taxes.

The signs of the apocalypse are equally clear:

1) The disruption of normal operations, even in the face of critical deadlines.

2) The confusion resulting from the disappearance of responsible news sources.

3) The Kardashians.

Of course we know the zombie apocalypse is just a fictional idea that could never actually happen. But it can't hurt to be prepared. Remember: See something, say something!

And in other news ...

Now that we’ve survived the momentous election of 2012, in which a flood of money and hurricane force winds of hot air brought us more or less the same government we had before, it’s time we turned our attention to other pressing matters.

But I can’t. For one thing, it’s deeply gratifying to see that Mitt Romney has not let failure go to his head. Actually, it seems there’s not much he does let go to his head. He’s still the same lovable clueless doof he always was. Instead of railing against the now famous 47% of Americans who minimize their taxes almost as effectively as he does, Romney has accused Obama of buying votes by adopting policies that actually benefit millions of people. Egads!

Obama, meanwhile, has signaled that he’s going to be a force to be reckoned with during his second term. He’s not going to let the Republicans walk all over him as he has in the past. From now on, they’ll have to take their shoes off.

Of course, the shocking, earth-shattering news is that someone in a position of power committed adultery. Now there's nothing unusual about famous, powerful people engaging in hanky-panky. We’ve all seen stories ranging from Bill Clinton's receiving the head of state to the former bodybuilder turned actor turned California Governor impregnating his staff to the jealous, Depends-wearing astronaut trying to avoid bathroom stops as she drove furiously across country to assault her rival. But the remarkable thing about the David Petraeus story is ... there's nothing remarkable about it. Seriously. The guy was having an affair. Boring.

Why are we even still talking about it?

Battle Hymn of the Republicans

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the GOP campaign.
We have nominated Romney. (All the others were insane.)
We don’t have to have a plan ‘cause all we have to do’s complain.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus:
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
The campaign marches on.

Oh, the rich will solve our problems. They could do it all today
But they’re feeling so inhibited by taxes they must pay.
They’re against anything Keynesian. After all the man was gay.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Republicans deny that man-made climate change is true.
They just want to keep on drilling, mining and keep fracking too,
‘Cause the sea waters are rising and the coastal states are blue.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

We would not have bailed Detroit out. Then again maybe we would.
Both FEMA and the EPA are bad, except when good.
For whatever is my stance is not near anyplace I’ve stood.
Mitt Romney marches … uh, whatever.

Chorus

I can’t wait until election night to finally get some sleep
When our country has a President and very hopeful Veep.
The voters will deserve it. As you sow, so shall you reap.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Seriously. The Election.

There are now only 8 shopping days until Election Day, and holiday spirit is in the air. Friend turns against friend, and fan page against fan page. As always, people seem to think their side is the only remotely reasonable one, and people supporting the other side must be crazy.

But all this rancor is counter-productive (except for some really funny videos), so, as a public service, I’d like to remind everyone of the following:

1. Both parties are full of it. Really. No matter what they say, they are both basically in the business of hustling for contributions, and that means sucking up to the organizations that can really pour it on. And now, thanks to the Supreme Court, that means every corporation, with no limits. A corporation’s priority is to make as much money as it can, and now the political parties’ priority is to help them do it.
2. All candidates are full of it. But I’m not that cynical. I’m sure some of them actually believe what they’re saying, that they’re fundamentally virtuous people who just have to make a few compromises, like building a pipeline to move environmentally disastrous oil sands oil across the U. S. because hey, Exxon Mobile can really heap the simoleons on our campaign. See item #1.
3. Nobody knows how to fix the economy. It’s true. Nobody. The Democrats obviously don’t, and the Republicans don’t even think it’s broken. This is what they’ve been trying to achieve for over 30 years. It’s called “starving the beast.” Google it.
4. Campaign ads, and especially quotes taken out of context by the other side, are always meaningless. Everybody’s looking for ways to make the other side look bad. Of course they’re going to slice and dice every random comment a candidate ever made to try to make it sound damning. It doesn’t matter what these guys say because a) their jobs are not about talking, and b) they’re all lying anyway. (See item #2.) When a campaign ad starts, hit the Mute button.
5. Yes, the welfare state is expensive, but so are cars. You don’t hear anyone talking about dismantling roads. 

So, if all this is true, does it really make a difference which side wins? In a word, YES. Yes, it absolutely does, for one very important reason.

There’s one big distinction between these parties. The Republican Party embraces ignorance! That’s the deal breaker. This party actively condones and encourages the denial of biology and meteorology. They welcome the evolution deniers and climate change deniers and rape deniers as if these were equally valid opinions. They’re not! Plain and simple. Ignorance is not just a different opinion. And it’s not something to be proud of.

Round 2

Oxy and Other Morons

How to Vote

Everybody seems to agonize over the elections. It’s really much simpler than people seem to think.

First, turn off the TV and radio, and close the newspapers. They just tell you what the candidates are doing and saying. That really doesn’t matter. They'll do or say anything to get elected. They're like little kids before Christmas. Of course, the media want you to think it matters because that’s how they sell advertising. But really, it comes down to just two questions:

1. What does the candidate want to do?
2. How effective will he be in doing it?

In other words, does he have good ideas, and is he likely to get them acted on? (I’m using “he” here for the current presidential contest, but this works for any candidate.)

So the results can be summed up in this table:

	Ideas
Effectiveness	good	bad
dynamo	3	0
dork	2	1

Obviously your best option is someone who can get good ideas acted on. Someone who can get bad ideas executed is the worst possibility. If neither candidate can get anything done, you’re still better off with one who has good ideas. In short, just look them up in the table and vote for the candidate with the highest score.

Now, how does this apply to the current presidential race? First lets look at the ideas department.

Romney, like pretty much all Republicans, wants to get government (welfare, police, firefighters, teachers, etc.) off the backs of corporations and rich people. Those corporations and rich people will then make sure that everyone who’s worthy will be able to get a job, and that all products will be safe and environment-friendly.

Obama, like pretty much all Democrats, thinks government should protect the public by providing services and regulating businesses so even the underprivileged have a viable lifestyle, and so we don't screw up the planet too much. You can decide for yourself which are good or bad ideas.

And effectiveness? Of course, there are degrees between dynamo and dork, but lets pretend we can view everything in the extreme. (Isn’t that part of the fun of politics?)

Obama has faced very stiff opposition, and yet was able to pass the Affordable Care Act, target and kill Osama bin Laden and other al Qaeda leaders, get rid of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and accomplish various other progressive measures. On the other hand, he has not been able to get rid of the Bush-era Tax Cuts for the wealthy, he gave up on the single-payer/public option for health care, and he has not exactly turned the economy around.

Stunningly, Romney has been very effective at accomplishing the exact opposite of what he now proposes. At Bain, he destroyed jobs, and as Governor of Massachusetts, he instituted near universal health coverage with mandatory insurance, raised revenue, upheld abortion rights (for a while, anyway), supported some gun control, and endorsed same-sex unions (for a while anyway, and not including marriage.) So does this make him a very effective flip-flopper, or a very ineffective conservative? Hard to say.

Of course, it’s almost impossible for anyone to be really effective given the partisanship of Washington. (That’s the other part of the fun of politics.) So it comes down to a choice between two marginally effective candidates. Pick the one whose ideas suck less.

Evolution and Its Discontents

The general idea of natural selection, Darwin's explanation for how evolution happens, is pretty simple: organisms that can't survive in a given environment don't. Moreover, organisms that can't attract mates and reproduce won't propagate, so their genetic make-up will die out after a generation. (Of course, this leaves open the question of why there are still geeks in the human population.)

So from this, you can see that interfering with this natural selection process will affect evolution. If we help weak or unfit individuals survive and reproduce, we alter the outcomes. Yet we do this all the time. That's what health care is all about.

The Republican Party, on the other hand, is opposed to universal health care. They would rather see the 99% eliminated from the gene pool, so the human race can evolve into a species that can afford health insurance.

So the political party that doesn't believe in evolution is actually doing the most to support it.

Super Tuesday

(To the tune of the Rolling Stones' Ruby Tuesday.)

Mitt Romney thinks that he'll come out on top.
But even so this nonsense will not stop.
Gingrich and Santorum
Will find some other forum
For their brawl,
As will Ron Paul.

Goodbye, Super Tuesday.
All you candidates came through.
Though you change with every new day
Wish we could have missed you.

Don't question why the leading guy is Mitt.
They're all equally just full of it.
In red states and in blue
There's been nothing new.
But all this drama
Might help Obama.

Goodbye, Super Tuesday.
All you candidates came through.
Though you change with every new day
Wish we could have missed you.

We Interrupt This Blog ...

There will be no regularly scheduled post to this blog today due to ... well, just how generally screwed up things are. I mean, look at the world situation. The Syrian government is bombing Syria. Iran is struggling to make nuclear weapons for peaceful use. Former Russian President Vladimir Putin is about to replace hand-picked successor Dmitri Medvedev with another hand-picked successor, former President Vladimir Putin. And to top it all off, it's becoming clear that the eventual Republican nominee for U.S. President will, in all likelihood, be a Republican.

In such times, it's often best to hunker down and wait for things to blow over. Or, as the late Groucho Marx never said, "You can choose your friends, but you can't make them Like your status."

What Are People?

Sometimes the things that seem most obvious are the hardest to define. This is true for abstract concepts like love, virtue, art and so on.

But I thought the idea of what people are was pretty clear. At least, until this election season. Now I'm not so sure.

For example, the Republican candidates all seem to think that zygotes are people. (For those who, like me, haven't taken a biology class in a while, a zygote is a fertilized gamete ... a fertilized egg.)

But at the other end of the spectrum, corporations are people. That's right! Mitt Romney said exactly that, with the Supreme Court to back him up. Apple and Exxon Mobile and AT&T are all people. So go ahead. Invite 'em to your next dinner party.

Recently, in response to Romney's obtuse comment that he's "not concerned about the very poor" and "not concerned about the very rich," Newt Gingrich quickly retorted that he's "concerned about all of the American people." But in December, Gingrich said "please don't turn America into Massachusetts." He also has no great fondness for New Yorkers who "live in high-rise apartment buildings writing for fancy newspapers in the middle of town after they ride the metro." New York and Massachusetts are among the first colonies settled, and the first states to ratify the Constitution, so their residents are clearly American.  So it must be the case that New Yorkers and ... um, Bay Staters are not people.

These same Republicans seem to believe gays are not people, and so should not be entitled to marry. They want to amend the Constitution to define marriage as excluding gay couples.

So can a corporation marry a zygote? And what kind of wedding music should they have?

Get Your Priorities Straight