News in Review

Mandela’s Funeral

Senator Ted Cruz, in a remarkable display of fortitude, walked out of Nelson Mandela’s memorial service to protest a speech by Cuba’s Raoul Castro. Cruz also signaled his disapproval by placing gum on the Cuban leader’s chair, and drawing a mustache and glasses on his picture.

The Budget

The Senate, anxious to begin recess so the members can shop for their wives, lovers and other partners on their lists, is moving forward on a compromise budget amid arguments over who is most unhappy with it. Meanwhile, House Speaker John Boehner, in a remarkable display of fortitude, vowed not to cave to the same extreme groups he has always caved to in the past.

The NSA

Facing congressional investigation, the NSA has said in its defense: “Hey! We’re not snooping on everyone. We didn’t know what Snowden was up to!”

Health care

Americans can rest assured that the beleaguered Obamacare Web site is now safely in the hands of the former head of Microsoft Office. Users can expect the same reliability and user-friendliness that has characterized that product.

While I Was Out

Apparently while I’ve been recovering from surgery, the world has continued its business as usual. I thought this would be a good time to recap some recent developments.

In the latest debt ceiling battle, Congress has decided to play Good GOP/Bad GOP. Speaker Boehner, taking the role of “good GOP,” at least by comparison, is asking President Obama to help him rein in the more unruly elements in his party by giving him a bone to throw them. Obama, with his characteristic steadfastness and fearless leadership, responded “Um … ok.”

In Syria, the U.S. concluded that Bashar al-Assad had indeed used chemical weapons against Syrian rebels. Obama was in the midst of seeking Congressional and world support for tactical strikes against Syria, when Secretary of State Kerry impishly suggested that Assad could get off the hook by handing over all his chemical weapons (impishness being, of course, one of the traits for which Kerry is known.) Assad jumped on the opportunity to start making demands. Obama, with his characteristic steadfastness and fearless leadership, responded “Um … ok.”

In its ongoing efforts to restore peace and democracy, the Egyptian army has slaughtered hundreds of protesters.

Former Harvard president, Treasury Secretary and White House advisor Lawrence Summers withdrew his name from consideration for chairmanship of the Federal Reserve, saying “There are plenty of other sexist plutocrats to consider, even among Democrats.” President Obama, with his characteristic steadfastness and fearless leadership, responded “Um … ok.”

And in other news ...

Now that we’ve survived the momentous election of 2012, in which a flood of money and hurricane force winds of hot air brought us more or less the same government we had before, it’s time we turned our attention to other pressing matters.

But I can’t. For one thing, it’s deeply gratifying to see that Mitt Romney has not let failure go to his head. Actually, it seems there’s not much he does let go to his head. He’s still the same lovable clueless doof he always was. Instead of railing against the now famous 47% of Americans who minimize their taxes almost as effectively as he does, Romney has accused Obama of buying votes by adopting policies that actually benefit millions of people. Egads!

Obama, meanwhile, has signaled that he’s going to be a force to be reckoned with during his second term. He’s not going to let the Republicans walk all over him as he has in the past. From now on, they’ll have to take their shoes off.

Of course, the shocking, earth-shattering news is that someone in a position of power committed adultery. Now there's nothing unusual about famous, powerful people engaging in hanky-panky. We’ve all seen stories ranging from Bill Clinton's receiving the head of state to the former bodybuilder turned actor turned California Governor impregnating his staff to the jealous, Depends-wearing astronaut trying to avoid bathroom stops as she drove furiously across country to assault her rival. But the remarkable thing about the David Petraeus story is ... there's nothing remarkable about it. Seriously. The guy was having an affair. Boring.

Why are we even still talking about it?

What's News?

It's difficult to imagine anything left to be said about Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump or the Royal Wedding. These topics have dominated countless news cycles lately, blissfully distracting us from such decided downers as the federal budget, the spate of wars, uprisings and rebellions in the Middle East, and the ongoing crisis in Japan, particularly around the Fukushima (pronounced like "F*&# you, Shima") nuclear (pronounced like "Nuke you, Lar") power plant.

And yet, we are endlessly fascinated with the exploits of rich, useless celebrities (RUCs, pronounced like "Are you, Seas?"). Clearly we find some kind of vicarious pleasure in watching the privileged gallivanting and cavorting, or whatever it is that they do. Moreover, this urge is contagious. We want to be up on whatever others are talking about, whether it be dancing hamsters, girlfriends doing Wii Fit in their underwear, or videos of people seriously injuring themselves.

This is why Twitter, YouTube and Facebook are so eager to show us whatever others are looking at. It's why sites include links to Digg, Reddit and other popularity aggregators. They want to go viral, almost literally infecting the Web-browsing public.

But the more eyeballs these viral faux-information sites attract, the more pressure it puts on legitimate news organizations. As the Boston Globe reported, the PBS series Frontline is now re-tooling to deliver 24/7 news bites, instead of serious investigative journalism. The new "newspaper" is the iPad, and you'll only see the news you choose.

Luckily, we here at The Tech Curmudgeon are committed to upholding the highest journalistic standards. We'll never stoop to the tawdry or sensational. So you don't have to worry about seeing stuff like this ...

or this ...

or especially this ...

Our only criterion for reporting is:  Is it funny? (Or mildly amusing? Or at least not downright dull? Or can we possibly think of something else?)

Thank you for your continued confidence in our integrity. (Please click the Digg, Reddit, etc. links below.)