Editorial Policies

In the wake of the terrorist attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris, we at The Tech Curmudgeon believe it’s important to state our editorial policies. Most importantly, we will not bow to any XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX, XXX-XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX or XXXX-XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX. (If, however, you have a history of violence, we may mock you somewhat less than you really deserve.)

Furthermore, we emphatically denounce any attempts to silence or persecute any individuals or groups based on religious beliefs, thus upholding a proud Western tradition. Well, except for a few minor kerfuffles like the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials or the Holocaust.

Finally, although we endeavor to be equally offensive to all, regardless of race, creed, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, employment status, political affiliations, place of origin or choice of operating system, we will try to stick it to the jerks.

Thank you.

The Tech Curmudgeon

Time Bums - Epilogue

Excuses! Excuses!

I know my posting has been somewhat erratic lately. I don't mean to whine, but I've been kind of preoccupied. Since the beginning of last year, I've lost both my parents, my father-in-law and my prostate.

Unfortunately, the prostate did not go quietly. It seems to have left a little something behind … some prostate-less terror cells running around somewhere.

So the next step is carpet bombing the area with radiation. I'm not sure exactly how this works, but it basically involves a radiation beam aimed at my most intimate portions. I keep picturing that scene from Goldfinger where James Bond is strapped to a gold table while Mr. Goldfinger plans to unseam him from the nave to the chops and beyond!

Along with the radiation goes hormone therapy or, quite literally, temporary emasculation. Since prostate cancer thrives on guy hormones, suppressing those hormones is the best way to slow it down. Warning: Side effects may include hot flashes, softening of muscle definition and frequent bouts of uncontrollable shoe shopping.

Does this blog post make me look fat?

Time Bums #21

Inequality

There’s a lot of hoopla now about the book Capital in the 21^st Century, by Thomas Piketty. Basically, Piketty claims that wealth inequality is about as bad as it’s been since the time of Solon, and that we’d better fix it or there’ll be hell to pay. (Or something like that. The back cover was kind of short on specifics.)

Naturally, there’s political uproar over these claims. The Financial Times excoriated Piketty, saying his methods were wrong, while Piketty rebutted the charge with “Nuh-uh. You are!”

Obviously, Piketty’s a smart guy. He’s an economist, which means he was able to stay awake in economics class, which is more than I could do and I think I’m pretty smart. But he misses one major point.

We LOVE inequality.

Seriously, it’s all we dream about. Look at popular entertainment. Harry Potter was a trust fund baby. The so-called reality shows are all about people willing to utterly humiliate themselves for a shot at wealth and fame … and we watch them! (Well, somebody does.) We don’t even have to mention professional sports. All the Disney movies and merchandise are about princes and princesses. And who would tune in to HBO for Game of Desk Chairs?

We make folk heroes out of jackasses like Cliven Bundy, and spend countless hours following the exploits of the Kardashians. The media hound the British royal family as if … well, as if they actually mattered anymore.

So the next time you hear someone complaining about wealth distribution, you can snap back with “Hey, if it weren’t for inequality, we’d all be stuck watching C-SPAN!”

Time Bums #20

Vicious Cycling

There’s no shortage of reasons to take up bicycling, and even bike commuting. The usual ones are:

1. It’s good for the environment. After all, instead of burning fossil fuels in a car, you’re out there being all natural and stuff, making your own organic, free-range CO₂.
2. It saves you money. It would be really hard to buy a bike so expensive that, used daily, it wouldn’t save you money on gas, repairs, parking fees and Sirius/XM. (If you had such a bike, you wouldn’t take it out of the garage.)
3. It’s healthy. Sure, biking is good exercise, stimulating your heart rate, getting your muscles working. (Just try not to hit or get hit by anything.)

But the most important reason, the one usually overlooked, is bragging rights. Biking to work gives you plenty to boast about in the break room. The more miles you commute, the more hazards you dodge, and the worse the weather, the more sneerily condescending you can be at the office. Here in Boston, they even give prizes for that at the local bike organization’s annual bash.

So the goal, of course, is to have the most impressively difficult commute, but still be able to do it under your own power. This means choosing 4-lane highways over quiet country roads. (Change jobs if you have to.) It means living far enough away that you basically bike home at night, shower, and head back to work. It means riding on a hard leather seat that looks like an instrument from a proctologist’s office. And, of course, it means biking year-round, in snow, sleet, freezing rain, hail and whatever else Mother Nature decides to throw at you.

Fortunately, here in New England, we’re blessed with plenty of that. In fact, New England was first settled by masochists seeking a harder life. They set up farms where the earth is just dust covered rock, and the growing season is 23 1/2 days long. They denied themselves strong drink on Sundays. They fought with native Americans over casino locations. And they picked the Red Sox as their team.

And this proud tradition carries on today. So get out there and bike!

Just don’t tell me about it.

Time Bums #19

Preambling

Time Bums #18

Time Bums #17

Time Bums #16

Shock and Disbelief

CAUTION: This blog post contains explicit and obscene language. If you are under 18, don't tell your parents where you saw this.

Among the most colorful and expressive phrases in our language are expressions of incredulity ... doubt, skepticism or disbelief. Yet only two of these, OMG and WTF, have become sufficiently commonplace as to have their own abbreviations. The following is an attempt to expand the vocabulary of dubiousness.

WIBF - well, I'll be fucked

YSM - You're shitting me

HFS - holy fucking shit

NFW - no fucking way

UFB - Un-fucking-believable (or UFL - unbe-fucking-lievable)

FFFFR - Fuckety-fuck fuck fuck ... really?

Time Bums #15

Time Bums #14

Time Bums #12

Spring

In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of “When the fuck is this weather going to end?”

For those of you not in the Boston area, we’re expecting some more snow tomorrow. Not much, but by the official count, this will be our gazumptillionth storm of the season. I don’t know if this winter breaks any records for coldest, snowiest, most storms or what, but it definitly sets a new record for “most annoying.”

Being a rugged outdoorsman (I carry a pocket knife so I’m always equipped for any possible invasion from Switzerland.), I’m particularly beset by the prolonged arctic conditions. Bike commuting becomes difficult when your fingers freeze to the handlebars, and icicles dangle before your eyes. It doesn’t help that you have to bike over packed snow, ice patches, and the frozen remains of earlier commuters.

Meanwhile, forecasters keep warning about about snow, sleet and “frozen mix,” which sounds like some sort of Green Giant concoction. Surprisingly, they’ve underestimated most of the snowfall totals this year. Usually they’re the ones to spread panic and convenience store congestion. It’s good for the ratings. And again and again, we’re treated to live footage of this or that poor neophyte weather person standing in the midst of swirling snow and gale force winds to bring us a full account of what’s happing outside our doors.

Normally, I’m a fan of weather. I mean, I’m not one to go chasing hurricanes, but I enjoy the fact that this area has very different seasons. I still get a child-like thrill from the Currier and Ives beauty of the first snowfall.

But by now? Not so much.

Time Bums #11

Limerick of the Day #111

Every day something happens that’s new
(Or that’s how it’s reported to you.)
Global strife. Missing jets.
U.S. life. Russian threats.
Yet it seems somehow like déjà vu.

Time Bums #10