Ballad Box

A guy on Facebook tried to tell me Hillary is crooked.

I told him that the FBI and Congress  had both looked

And neither could find evidence on which she could be tried.

Says he, "That only goes to prove how thoroughly she lied."

I said, "She had an email server at her residence,

The FBI examined it and found no evidence

That any of the emails there would constitute a crime."

The guy said, quite disdainfully, "Wait. Just give them time."

"Through multiple investigations of Benghazi's raid,

The embassy's security could well have used more aid

But that was cut," I protested, "by your own GOP.

"Nevertheless," the man said, "the blame lies with Hillary."

I soon grew tired of going 'round in this political waltz.

The guy's answer to everything was "Hillary is false.

Don't you see the string of crimes she casually denies?

The proof of guilt is in the way she spews out all those lies!"

"So in your view, she must be guilty if she won't confess?

But if there's been no crime, maybe it's really truthfulness."

The guy replied "Well, can it be you're really such a chump?

The only one who tells the truth ... he said so ... 's Donald Trump."

Ok, Trump Supporters ...

We get it! You’re angry with “the system.” Government is completely corrupt and needs to be taken down and replaced. But please take a moment to think about a couple of things.

First, you know that Hillary Clinton is evil. You know she lied about her emails, and failed to stop the terrorists in Benghazi. Above all, you know the mainstream media have a liberal bias and are all just lying to benefit her and to blame Trump. So most people are not getting the truth.

But how do you know all this? If the mainstream media are all liars, where are you getting your information? Web sites? Facebook posts? Trump speeches? Isn’t it possible … bear with me here … isn’t it just possible that your information sources, the ones that really know how evil Hillary is, are biased too? Isn’t there at least a tiny chance that whatever information sources you’re using are not perfect angels? That they may be trying to make Hillary look bad?

Also, while Trump says he’s the champion of the little guy … the one who’s going to help the middle classes … isn’t it possible that he is lying? After all, he’s a rich (maybe billionaire-rich) guy from New York. We have no experience with him in any kind of public life, so we really don’t know what he’s going to do.

And if you’re a Bernie supporter who’s just voting for Trump to spite Hillary and the Democratic party? Well, that’s just fucking stupid.

It's You!

This year’s Presidential race is certainly one of the most dramatic in recent memory. On one side, we have a wealthy real estate developer trying to prove he’s as just as narrow-minded, bigoted and out of touch as his closest rival. On the other side, two career politicians are each trying to show, in a completely non-judgmental, egalitarian way how awful the other is. And enormously weighty issues are on the table, from national security to immigration to tax policy to the size of a candidate’s … uh, hands.

And who do we have to thank for this spectacle? You!

That’s right. You, the voter, make all of this happen.

Not only are you the audience for whom these fools perform, but by decades of uninformed and irrational voting, you’ve helped to create this clown show we call the government.

Seriously, none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Extreme Right Wing Republicans have been getting trounced by even more extreme Right Wing Repubilcans for a decade. And the increasingly politically correct Democrats are tripping over themselves to see whether the first woman president or the first Jewish/agnostic president should have the honor of following the first black president.

And, of course, anyone winning a race by even the narrowest of margins still thinks it’s a mandate of almost divine proportions to begin hacking up our current laws and values. “Ok, folks, time to get rid of the Environmental Protection Agency, the Food and Drug Administration and the IRS. The environment’s overrated. Food and drugs should be up to the individual. And the IRS? Ha! Who needs ‘em? Anyone worth taxing doesn’t pay anyway!”

There was a time when students took civics in school, and learned what the point of all this government was. Believe it or not, the government is not there to block nominations or sequester the budget or to shut itself down. It’s not there to keep picking fights with foreign governments, or to ignore the crumbling roads and bridges.

No, the government is there for a much higher purpose.

To keep us entertained between elections.

The Sublative

In this season of ratcheted rhetoric, when candidates and commentators are flinging superlatives about like candy, it’s important to try to restore balance to the language. Toward that end, we want to document and popularize a little known linguistic showpiece … the sublative.

Thinking back to high school, you may remember learning about the superlative … that form of adjective that indicates the most extreme condition of something. A movie may be good, but not as good as one that’s better. Nothing, however, is as good as the best movie. That’s why the MPA gives awards for Best Picture and Best Performance By an Actress in a Leading Role and Best Guy Who Sweeps the Film Clippings Up From the Cutting Room Floor. (Actually, there are no film clippings with digital movies, but try telling that to the Guys Who Sweep union!)

So with awards and competitions all around us, we naturally give a lot of attention to bests and other superlatives. But there’s also a linguistic converse of this. And no, it’s not worst, which is really just the best at being bad.

No, the linguistic converse of the the superlative is the sublative. To recognize it, note that superlative adjectives frequently end with -est: best, smartest, hairiest, etc. Similarly, sublative adjectives often end with -ish: good-ish, smart-ish, hairy-ish, and so on. And just as superlatives mean “to an extreme degree,” sublatives suggest a more bland reaction, a kind of verbal meh.

• “That book was fantastic!”
• “It was fantastic-ish.”

or

• “Wasn’t that dinner delicious?”
• “It was delicious-ish.”

NOTE: Be careful not to mistake “delicious-ish” for “delish.” The latter is just a presumptuous little abbreviation.

So next time you feel overwhelmed by the intense-ish language that spews from the mouths of brash-ish politicians and know-it-all-ish commentators, think careful-ish-ly about this.

WTF Tuesday: Campaigns

Once again, it’s time for WTF Tuesday. As you know, readers can submit questions on any topic to wtf@techcurmudgeon.info, and we may eventually get around to offering some kind of response, probably not including an answer.

This week’s question is on the minds of many of our alert readers, and we’re sure one of them would have gotten around to asking us sooner or later.

Question

Trump? Really?

Answer

Now that Election 2016 is officially underway, news media are making room amidst the sports, celebrities and automobile ads for reporting about campaign escapades. It breaks up the monotony. And some of the cheapest filler available are poll results.

These polls aggregate the opinions of prospective voters who have given as much serious thought to the candidates as they have to, say, Spongebob Squarepants. In fact, polls show that if the election were held today, Spongebob would win by a wide margin. Unless, of course, he were an actual person and a candidate.

So into this media void rides Donald Trump. His appearance and his manner are wacky enough to provide entertainment. And he has enough money to keep his campaign going.

In the 1960’s, there was a computer program called ELIZA that could mimic some basic human language. One flavor of it spoofed a psychiatrist by picking words and phrases out of comments entered by the user, and turning them into probing questions about that user’s psyche. If the user entered My mother hates me, ELIZA might respond Who else in your family hates you? It was essentially a parlor trick, but effective enough to give the impression that there was some intelligence there.

In essence, this is what Trump does with Republican themes.

• Interviewer: John McCain was a POW.
• Trump: I like people who didn’t get caught.
• Interviewer: I know some Mexican immigrants.
• Trump: Mexican immigrants are drug dealers.
• Interviewer: Here’s a picture of Carly Fiorina.
• Trump: Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?
• Interviewer: Say ‘hello’ to Megyn Kelly.
• Trump: You’re fired!

So, in short, no, not really. Enjoy the show while it lasts. President Squarepants will.

Limerick of the Day #113

The way this Supreme Court is trending,
There’ll be no limits on campaign spending.
Every billionaire
Will buy time on the air
To push some candidates they are vending.

Battle Hymn of the Republicans

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the GOP campaign.
We have nominated Romney. (All the others were insane.)
We don’t have to have a plan ‘cause all we have to do’s complain.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus:
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
Grand Old Party, Hallelujah!
The campaign marches on.

Oh, the rich will solve our problems. They could do it all today
But they’re feeling so inhibited by taxes they must pay.
They’re against anything Keynesian. After all the man was gay.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Republicans deny that man-made climate change is true.
They just want to keep on drilling, mining and keep fracking too,
‘Cause the sea waters are rising and the coastal states are blue.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

We would not have bailed Detroit out. Then again maybe we would.
Both FEMA and the EPA are bad, except when good.
For whatever is my stance is not near anyplace I’ve stood.
Mitt Romney marches … uh, whatever.

Chorus

I can’t wait until election night to finally get some sleep
When our country has a President and very hopeful Veep.
The voters will deserve it. As you sow, so shall you reap.
The campaign marches on.

Chorus

Seriously. The Election.

There are now only 8 shopping days until Election Day, and holiday spirit is in the air. Friend turns against friend, and fan page against fan page. As always, people seem to think their side is the only remotely reasonable one, and people supporting the other side must be crazy.

But all this rancor is counter-productive (except for some really funny videos), so, as a public service, I’d like to remind everyone of the following:

1. Both parties are full of it. Really. No matter what they say, they are both basically in the business of hustling for contributions, and that means sucking up to the organizations that can really pour it on. And now, thanks to the Supreme Court, that means every corporation, with no limits. A corporation’s priority is to make as much money as it can, and now the political parties’ priority is to help them do it.
2. All candidates are full of it. But I’m not that cynical. I’m sure some of them actually believe what they’re saying, that they’re fundamentally virtuous people who just have to make a few compromises, like building a pipeline to move environmentally disastrous oil sands oil across the U. S. because hey, Exxon Mobile can really heap the simoleons on our campaign. See item #1.
3. Nobody knows how to fix the economy. It’s true. Nobody. The Democrats obviously don’t, and the Republicans don’t even think it’s broken. This is what they’ve been trying to achieve for over 30 years. It’s called “starving the beast.” Google it.
4. Campaign ads, and especially quotes taken out of context by the other side, are always meaningless. Everybody’s looking for ways to make the other side look bad. Of course they’re going to slice and dice every random comment a candidate ever made to try to make it sound damning. It doesn’t matter what these guys say because a) their jobs are not about talking, and b) they’re all lying anyway. (See item #2.) When a campaign ad starts, hit the Mute button.
5. Yes, the welfare state is expensive, but so are cars. You don’t hear anyone talking about dismantling roads. 

So, if all this is true, does it really make a difference which side wins? In a word, YES. Yes, it absolutely does, for one very important reason.

There’s one big distinction between these parties. The Republican Party embraces ignorance! That’s the deal breaker. This party actively condones and encourages the denial of biology and meteorology. They welcome the evolution deniers and climate change deniers and rape deniers as if these were equally valid opinions. They’re not! Plain and simple. Ignorance is not just a different opinion. And it’s not something to be proud of.

Debate Highlights

For those of you who missed the recent presidential debates, or simply want to enjoy them again, we present selected highlights.

Romney: We’re opposed to abortion except in cases of rape, incest or the health of the mother.
Moderator: Let’s move on.
Romney: Wait. I have to respond to my last statement.
Moderator: Governor Romney, you agreed to these rules.
Romney: Why are you attacking me instead of focussing on the issues?

---

Romney: Of course corporations are people. When I was at Bain, we bought and sold them just like congressmen.

---

Obama: Earlier, you took a position to the far right. Now we see you’re moving back to center.
Romney: This is where the TV people told me to stand.
Obama: I’m talking about your policies.
Romney: So am I.

---

Moderator: Gentlemen, we've seen a number of mass shootings in schools, in movie theaters. Don't you think it's finally time to take some serious action to control guns?
Romney: You see, we don't need more teachers. We just need to ensure that our existing teachers are better armed.
Moderator: Mr. President?  Mr. President?
Obama: I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?

---

Romney: As I've said repeatedly, the President's biggest strategic mistake is revealing his timetable for withdrawing from Afghanistan.
Moderator: So you would not commit to a deadline?
Romney: Oh, we'll be out of there by 2014. Absolutely. I'm just not going to announce that.

---

Obama: Governor Romney, you said that we should just let Detroit go bankrupt.
Romney: No I didn't.
Obama: Governon Romney, we have copies of the New York Times op-ed piece in which you said that.
Romney: Why are you attacking me, instead of focussing on the issues?

Round 3

Round 2

Snake Oil

Round 1

Pre-Game Show

Just as thrill-seekers take up extreme sports for the excitement of putting their lives at risk, Mitt Romney, a serious contender for Most Boring Candidate of the Year, has found a way to relieve the monotony by committing near fatal gaffes. Of course, neither he nor the President are up for any charisma awards. They both lack the winking wit of Bill Clinton, or even the Gomer Pyle gosh-iness of George W. Bush. So how will they manage to entertain us during the debates?

Perhaps they will resort to discussing issues. In that event, we want you to be prepared. So here is a sneak peek at likely topics for the upcoming debates.

The Economy - We’re all familiar with this one. Obama wants to improve the economy by investing in our future. Romney, like any good corporate executive, would deal with it like a corporate executive.

The Middle East - Given the turmoil in the Middle East, and the association with terrorism, this is a very hot topic. Obama will stabilize the Middle East by investing in our future. Romney, in contrast, would deal with it like a corporate executive.

The Environment - This issue has remained on the front burner, despite the fact that most Americans have forgotten what it means. Obama will address our environmental concerns by investing in our future. Romney will solve our environmental issues like a corporate executive.

Wealth Distribution - We’re waiting to see if this actually comes up, given the lingering vestiges of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Obama will, of course, invest in our future. Romney … well, you know the drill.

Hmmm. Maybe they could learn to juggle.

Campaign 2012

Deadline Headlines

Can Obama dominate nominee Romney?
Who'll Romney nominate to be his veep?
Will SCotUS validate the candidates' health mandates?
These are the headlines. Read 'em and weep.

Get Your Priorities Straight

It's Mitt, Part 2 (Limerick of the Day #106)

In their efforts to challenge Obama, Ne-
O-Cons have been snubbing Mitt Rom-a-ney.
Now he's passed the first test
By eight votes. Will the rest
Of the states finally make him the nominee?

NOTE: Limericks of the Day numbers 1-105 may be found at Ideas Great and Dumb.

It's Mitt

Mitt Romney scored a decisive victory over rival Rick Santorum last night in the Iowa Caucuses, winning by a whopping 8 votes.  That should give him plenty of momentum to carry into the New Hampshire Primary next week.

It seems Romney had the fortunate position of being everyone's second choice.  Most of the other leading candidates could have beaten him in a one-to-one contest, but in the current free-for-all, Romney wins, in effect, by losing.  While the other Republicans divided the ABM (Anyone But Mitt) vote, perennial bridesmaid Romney sashays to the fore.

Of course, this is good and bad news.  The former Massachusetts governor and reigning flip-flop champion is the only GOP candidate who could seriously take on Obama, but also the only one who's remotely qualified to serve as president.

Besides, think how much fun it will be to say "Romney the Nom'nee."

K.I.N.T.S.S.

As another election season threatens to overwhelm us with noxious campaign ads ("I'm Mitt Romney and I approved this mixed message"), it's useful to remember the value of complexity.

Yes, that's right.  Complexity. I know there's a popular slogan, "Keep it simple, stupid," or KISS, that some people take religiously.  But remember what Einstein said: "Everything should be kept as simple as possible, but no simpler." In other words, some things are just NOT simple.  Government is one of them.

It's easy to be drawn in by simple slogans.  "Drill, baby, drill!"  "9-9-9," "No new taxes," etc.  These are the basis of what are now called sound bites. But to think that a workable policy can be built around these simplifications is just ... well, simple-minded. There's so much going on in the world.  The economy depends on many U.S. and International conditions.  That, in turn, affects jobs, dependence on foreign oil, etc.  And those then further effect the economy.  Everything is circular.

So when you hear someone offering simple solutions, you can be pretty sure they're just that ... simple.