People Who Are People

A lot of conservatives have the idea that corporations are people … that they have the same rights as individuals. The whole Supreme Court Citizen’s United decision rests on the idea that corporations have the same rights to free speech as citizens, and that huge corporations spending millions on political campaigns are the same as you standing on a street corner with a sign.

Of course, most people find it pretty easy to tell corporations and people apart. Corporations are buildings full of paper and machines and cubicles with coffee mugs and sweaty running clothes. And people are … well, people, with flesh and blood, piercings and tattoos and sweaty running clothes.

On the other hand, if corporations were people, they might have a different opinion of what people are, so that’s a circular argument.

Corporations do not have the same interests and motivations as individual people. Corporations exist for one purpose only … to make as much money as they possibly can. People, in contrast, exist to eat junk food, have sex, watch TV AND make money. In many cases, those interests are in direct conflict.

But if corporations are people, aren’t countries also people? Surely countries and governments are made up of people, and countries’ interests align much more closely with those of their citizens, at least in theory. When countries interests are at odds with those of their citizens, we consider those failed states.

And if people have basic rights … the so-called “inalienable rights” … then so do countries. Countries, too, are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

So what does “happy country” mean?

People Are Stupid

(May be sung to the tune of “Beauty School Dropout” from Grease.)

Our story’s sad to tell,
Handbaskets bound for hell.
We squander all the gifts we should embrace.
Our future’s so unclear now.
The thing we have to fear now
Is what we’re doing to the human race.

People are stupid.
All evidence suggests I’m right.
People are stupid.
As a species, we’re none too bright.

Though for centuries quite violently we’ve lost daughters and sons
There are still those who believe the way to safety is more guns.

Every so often (Every so often)
Folks’ll go on a killing spree
But we can’t soften (But we can’t soften)
Gun rights ‘cause that’s what keeps us free.

There are guns for every woman, man and child alive today.
But we need more, according to the NRA.

People are stupid.
We think the earth is infinite.
People are stupid.
Where else would we dump all our shit?

And in spite of all the hurricanes and blizzarding and storming
We just can’t believe that seven billion folks might cause some warming.

Baby, don’t sweat it. (Baby, don’t sweat it.)
Why must the planet be ice-capped?
Better forget it. (Better forget it.)
Like other species, we’ll adapt.

So when the oceans boil we’ll still need oil
To drive the SUV
Up to the higher ground where someone found a tree.

Don’t let conditions
Cause you anxiety or fear.
Our politicians
Fix things in an election year.

So you see we’ve really got no one besides ourselves to blame,
But we’re so stupid we can say this with no shame.

People are stupid, (People are stupid,)
And we can say this with no shame.
People are stupid, (People are stupid,)
And we can say this with no shame.
People are stupid, (People are stupid,)
And we can say this with no shame.

What Are People?

Sometimes the things that seem most obvious are the hardest to define. This is true for abstract concepts like love, virtue, art and so on.

But I thought the idea of what people are was pretty clear. At least, until this election season. Now I'm not so sure.

For example, the Republican candidates all seem to think that zygotes are people. (For those who, like me, haven't taken a biology class in a while, a zygote is a fertilized gamete ... a fertilized egg.)

But at the other end of the spectrum, corporations are people. That's right! Mitt Romney said exactly that, with the Supreme Court to back him up. Apple and Exxon Mobile and AT&T are all people. So go ahead. Invite 'em to your next dinner party.

Recently, in response to Romney's obtuse comment that he's "not concerned about the very poor" and "not concerned about the very rich," Newt Gingrich quickly retorted that he's "concerned about all of the American people." But in December, Gingrich said "please don't turn America into Massachusetts." He also has no great fondness for New Yorkers who "live in high-rise apartment buildings writing for fancy newspapers in the middle of town after they ride the metro." New York and Massachusetts are among the first colonies settled, and the first states to ratify the Constitution, so their residents are clearly American.  So it must be the case that New Yorkers and ... um, Bay Staters are not people.

These same Republicans seem to believe gays are not people, and so should not be entitled to marry. They want to amend the Constitution to define marriage as excluding gay couples.

So can a corporation marry a zygote? And what kind of wedding music should they have?

Rich English People

Last night, Public Television's Masterpiece series opened the second season of Downton Abbey, the latest in a long string of programmes[sic] about rich English people. American television viewers seem to have an insatiable appetite for rich English people, eagerly consuming Downton Abbey, Upstairs/Downstairs, the complete works of Jane Austen and various other 19^th century English novels about rich (or want-to-be-rich) folks. Even the Masterpiece Mysteries series is mainly about which rich English person murdered which other rich English person. Apparently there's some deep yearning among television viewers to be rich English people, despite the fact that most of these stories are set in a time before the advent of indoor plumbing.

Typically, for contrast, these stories alternate between the lives of the rich English people themselves, and those of their below-stairs staffs, including cooks, maids and butlers. This creates the dramatic tension of a visual volley between House Beautiful and a Williams-Sonoma catalog.

For those of you who missed all 47 airings of this episode on the 12 different Public Television stations near you, here's a brief recap. Spoiler alert:  There are no spoilers except the rich English parents. In fact, this review was written before I actually saw the show.

The offspring of the rich English people, suffering the cruel fate of having every conceivable human desire gratified, become bored and rebel against the etiquette and propriety of their class. They engage in scandalous behavior such as going out alone or without a hat. This incurs the wrath of their proper rich English parents, but a knowing wink from the mischievously (4 syllables, please) playful grandparent/uncle/aunt/whatever.

Meanwhile, below stairs, the staff panic at the impending shortage of quince, which interrupts their near-constant bed swapping. When not thus occupied, they spend their time learning and sharing the dark secret that is invariably hidden in someone's past.

Oh, and some dramatic historical event intrudes on their lives.

Tune in next week for more.

Pet Peeves