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The Week in Viral Memes

Greatest Inventions

Apple has now become the most valuable public company in history. No doubt this is largely due to their seemingly endless stream of life-altering, or at least culture-altering, gadgets. Think about it ... the Macintosh, the Newton (ok, low blow), the iPod, the iPhone, the iPad, the iDon'tKnowWhatButThereMustBeSomethingElse.

But in all this, it's easy to lose sight of what are really the most significant inventions of all time. Therefore, as a public service, we provide this reminder.

5)	computers	In addition to letting us expose every aspect of our personal lives to friends and advertisers alike1, the computer has revolutionized just about every other product on earth. It is also responsible for getting millions of indigent nerds off the streets and into productive jobs.
4)	hair coloring	I don't know, but my wife insists this is essential.
3)	Girl Scout Thin Mints	Hey, when you make a list, you can pick.
2)	mute buttons	Ever watch commercial TV? Indispensible!

And the number one most signifiicant invention of all time ...

1)	toilet paper	Seriously, would you trade this for any of the others?

¹On the information superhighway, Facebook is the bumper stickers.

The Ultimate Lawyer Show

TEASER

Interior, tastefully furnished law office with glass-walled conference rooms, private offices and desks in the open area. Plants and muted artworks adorn the walls. A well dressed bloated gentleman, who vaguely resembles Captain Kirk from "Star Trek", is talking with a somewhat younger bloated gentleman who vaguely resembles the young guy from "Sex, Lies and Videotape."

KIRK-LIKE GUY: We'll have to go outside the firm for this one.

SLV-LIKE GUY: Sir?

KIRK: We need all the best legal minds in the country. Money is no object.

SLV: Seriously?

KIRK: Well, ok we'll try Priceline first.

SLV: Ok. I just hope this is going to be worth it.

KIRK: Are you kidding? It's a gold mine.

ACT ONE

Interior, glass-walled conference room. The walls are completely hidden by stacks of bankers boxes. More boxes are stacked on the conference table, amid piles of papers.

Around the table are ALICIA FLORICK, FRANKLIN and BASH, BOBBY DONNELL and ASSOCIATES, MCKENZIE, BRACKMAN, CHANEY and KUZAK, MATLOCK, CLINTON JUDD, PERRY MASON and A WOMAN WHO LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE CHARLIE MCCARTHY'S LITTLE SISTER. They are all occupied with reading files and documents.

Every so often, one of them flips a page, or turns a document sideways as if to examine a diagram, or clears his or her throat.

ACT TWO

Same.

ACT THREE

Ditto.

ACT FOUR

Likewise.

TAG

KIRK and SEX-LIES-VIDEOTAPES GUY are sitting on a balcony, smoking big, fat stogies.

KIRK: Well, I guess we're ready for that Apple v Samsung case now!

SLV-GUY: Are we?

KIRK: Who the hell knows? Let's just chuckle and enjoy our stogies like we always do.

END

The New iPad

As we predicted, Apple's new iPad, known as the new iPad¹, will be new. In particular, it will provide four (4) times as many display pixels as the previous model. Overall, the resolution of 2048 x 1536 means the device requires three million one hundred forty-five thousand seven hundred and twenty-eight (3,14 ... whatever) pixels.  This could lead to a world-wide pixel shortage.

Currently Apple's chief manufacturer, Foxconn, is believed to have a supply of pixels sufficient to equip 20 or 30 million new iPads, far fewer than the expected sales this year. Researchers are now frantically trying to develop new pixel sources via mining and off-shore drilling. In particular, the controversial practice known as fracking may be adapted to produce pixels from naturally occurring shale. However, environmentalists fear that widespread fracking could lead to cave-ins in pixel-rich areas.

At today's new iPad announcement, Apple CEO Tim Cook, with his shirt un-tucked in a pathetic attempt to mimic the casual coolness of the late Steve Jobs, appeared unconcerned about possible pixel drought, fueling speculation that Apple has been cultivating techniques for producing synthetic pixels.

¹How many years will they get out of that naming convention?  Three, I suppose, if they use "newer" and "newest" for the next couple of models.

The Sequel

As the world anxiously awaits the release of Apple's latest blockbuster, iPad 3: The Empire Strikes Back, the rumor mills are churning out rumors about when the next rumors will be circulated. Followers of tech blogs know when to tune in to catch the latest update on anticipated processor speed, video resolution, and thickness to within a thousandth of a millimeter. The current wisdom is that the latest incarnation of Apple's wildly successful tablet will feature the high-resolution Retina display, an updated processor, possibly quad-core, and a V6 engine that gets 32mpg.

In other news, Apple is suing the crap out of smartphone makers HTC and Nokia, alleging infringement on its patent for "technology that seems really cool and irresistible, but that becomes boring and useless 12 months later."

Despite its financial difficulties, California is weighing opening several shelters for battered Siris whose owners have flung them across the room in response to dropped calls, roaming charges and other domestic disputes.

Pioneers and Arrows of Outrageous Fortunes

There's an old saying that you can recognize a pioneer by the arrows in his back. If the arrows had been in his front, you'd think the pioneer had taken risks and suffered the consequences.  Arrows in the back, however, can only mean one thing: friendly fire. The pioneers have taken a beating at the hands of their own followers.

Think about it.  How many of these products have you heard of?  Used?  Owned?

• Xerox Star
• Visicalc
• WAIS
• pen PC
• AudioHighway Listen Up
• WebCrawler

On the other hand, how familiar are these?

• Apple Macintosh
• Microsoft Excel
• World Wide Web
• Apple iPad
• Apple iPod
• Google

Each of these household words is really just a later version of some earlier product that's now extinct. Why have these derivative products and technologies had such a lasting effect, when the true originals disappeared? Did the imitators offer some vital improvement?  Did they just do a better job of marketing?  Did the public need time to assimilate the idea?  Who knows?  There's really only one lesson we can definitely take away from this...

Don't be a leader.

Why I Should Be the Next CEO of Apple

Let's face it.  Tim Cook is probably a very competent executive, but he's no Steve Jobs.  Seriously, have you ever heard of anything he's done?  He's not the the industry-shaking innovator that Apple needs.

I, on the other hand, have loads of ground-breaking ideas.  And I can draw them!  If that doesn't make me a visionary, I don't know what does.  Here is just a handful of my game-changing innovations...

So let Apple know you think I should be the next CEO.  And if you're on Apple's board, vote for me!

Thank you.

Technology Would Be Great If It Didn't Suck

As I mentioned in my very first post, I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I love the potential, but getting there is way more frustrating than it should be.

For example, I've been trying to put my iPad 2, Yeah song on YouTube, along with a bunch of images sync'ed to the music. Should be simple, right? Both Windows Live Movie Maker and Apple's iMovie make it painfully difficult to sync images with audio. Seems like such an obvious thing for digital camera-toting geeks to want to do. I'd like to be able to load the MP3 and the set of images, and then just play the music and hit a NEXT button to change images at the appropriate point. Is that so hard?

Love/hate.

This afternoon, I lost network connectivity for an hour or so. It was like quitting heroin cold turkey! (At least, I imagine it was.) What? I can't send email halfway around the world in nanoseconds? How can I live??

Love/hate.

I love the idea of the cloud, where all my apps and data co-exist blissfully in the universal mind, ready to appear when beckoned from any phone, tablet, computer, car dashboard, toaster oven, etc. My data is perfectly safe and secure because Google is looking after it for me, and they never have downtime or snoop at my stuff, right?

Of course, the drawback to using a browser as a computer is ... well, you're using a browser as a computer. What Chrome and Firefox and other browsers do is make sure Web pages don't display too quickly for me to read them.  Where would I be without that?

Love/hate.

UPDATE 5/5/2011: I finally coerced iMovie '09 into letting me adjust the duration of the images, a painful process.  The video of "iPad 2, Yeah" is now on YouTube.

iPad 2, Yeah

(To the tune of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah)

Play Audio (3:57) or watch YouTube video:



I heard there was a cool device
That needs no keyboards and no mice
And still it lets me send an email to you.
It costs about five hundred bucks,
But 16 Gig, no 3G sucks.
So drop eight hundred for your iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.
iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

It comes with a USB cord,
Buy a charger you can afford.
(You don't want to bring a laptop, do you?)
And if you are a gadget lover
You'll want to buy the new "smart cover"
To protect and defend your iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

Consider each accessory,
Adapters for your home TV,
A docking station with a keyboard too, yeah.
With all the stuff you'll want on hand
The total cost's about a grand
And worth each cent, 'cause Apple wouldn't screw you.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

You did your best, but it wasn't much.
It's hard to browse on an iPod Touch.
The tiny on-screen keyboard overthrew you.
The cut-and-paste would make you swear
And want to pull out all your hair.
What you needed was to get an iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.
iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

Baby, I've been here before

With iPod Touches 1 through 4,

All blaring out the Cohen Hallelujah.

I thought I'd like a bigger screen,

But a minor fall with that machine ...

Now it's a cold and it's a broken iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

iPad 2, yeah. iPad 2, yeah.

Predictions for 2010

It's now safe to make predictions for the year 2010.  (Ok, so I'm not a big risk taker.)  Here are my top ten:

1. In a stunning reversal, Republicans decide the Obama health care reform bill is the best legislation ever.  The controversial provision requiring Americans to buy health insurance is seen as precedent-setting.  The GOP immediately goes to work drafting laws that require Americans to buy cars, high-definition TVs, and real estate in Florida.
2. Apple rocks the world with the invention of a phone that not only doesn't fit in your pocket, but can't be used as a phone.  They sell millions.  In response, other phone makers develop Google Android devices that offer all of this plus a near complete lack of application software.
3. A group of Chilean miners invents a way to avoid campaign advertising.  Rights are acquired by Disney, the reality-avoidance company, in exchange for E tickets.
4. BP invents a new way to harvest oil by drilling holes in the ocean floor and waiting for it to wash up on the beach, where it is collected by government workers and volunteers.
5. Economic woes cause world-wide hardship as millions of homes and jobs are lost, school budgets are slashed, and Republicans are forced to cut back on Grey Poupon.
6. To everyone's great surprise, Middle East peace talks break down as Palestinians continue their practice of sending rockets and bombs into Israel, and Israelis continue their practice of building housing.
7. The long-awaited, next-to-last, no-we're-not-finished-milking-this-yet, and other-hyphenated-adjectives Harry Potter movie is released.  We learn that Harry, the most famous and awesome wizard in the world, with the most evocative back story, still can't score with the witches.  (Spoiler Alert: In the sequel, he will hook up with Christine O'Donnell.)
8. American voters express their frustration with politicians who don't act on their ideas by electing politicians who have no ideas.
9. A bunch of celebrities die.
10. Blogging, especially the snarky, sarcastic kind, makes a huge comeback.

Happy New Year!

New Apple Products

The success of the iPad has spurred Apple to introduce a new line of oversized products, including:

the big MacBook ...

the big iPhone, and ...

the big iPod Shuffle.

iPants

I paid, you paid, we all paid for iPad

Today the much ballyhooed Apple iPad officially goes on sale. Looking much like a large electronic placemat, this device has become the focal point of speculation of the subject of ... well, what the hell use is it? Regarded by some as an overgrown iPod Touch, and by others as a rather limited netbook, it really defies all the traditional (i.e., 3 month old) classifications.

So of what use is this really? I'm favoring the placemat idea. It would be particularly striking to create an animated table setting with accompanying iPod Touch coasters. But there are many other ideas. Here are at least a dozen:

1. A remote control that's hard to misplace.
2. A heavy clipboard. (Clip sold separately.)
3. A wireless keyboard. (Keyboard sold separately.)
4. A cat lounge.
5. An electronic document reader.
6. An electronic paperweight.
7. A sticky note board.
   
8. A catalyst for the fashion industry's next big thing ... iPants.
9. A glass table top (when used on top of a non-glass-topped table.)
   
10. The world's tiniest sovereign state.
    
11. An electronic newspaper. (Newspaper sold separately.)
12. Ok, I'll have to get back to you on this one ...
    

It's rumored that Apple, already buoyed by the iPad's success, is working feverishly on other super-sized products, including a 12" iPhone, a MacBook Futon, and an iPod Shuffle visible to the naked eye.