The Ultimate Lawyer Show

TEASER

Interior, tastefully furnished law office with glass-walled conference rooms, private offices and desks in the open area. Plants and muted artworks adorn the walls. A well dressed bloated gentleman, who vaguely resembles Captain Kirk from "Star Trek", is talking with a somewhat younger bloated gentleman who vaguely resembles the young guy from "Sex, Lies and Videotape."

KIRK-LIKE GUY: We'll have to go outside the firm for this one.

SLV-LIKE GUY: Sir?

KIRK: We need all the best legal minds in the country. Money is no object.

SLV: Seriously?

KIRK: Well, ok we'll try Priceline first.

SLV: Ok. I just hope this is going to be worth it.

KIRK: Are you kidding? It's a gold mine.

ACT ONE

Interior, glass-walled conference room. The walls are completely hidden by stacks of bankers boxes. More boxes are stacked on the conference table, amid piles of papers.

Around the table are ALICIA FLORICK, FRANKLIN and BASH, BOBBY DONNELL and ASSOCIATES, MCKENZIE, BRACKMAN, CHANEY and KUZAK, MATLOCK, CLINTON JUDD, PERRY MASON and A WOMAN WHO LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE CHARLIE MCCARTHY'S LITTLE SISTER. They are all occupied with reading files and documents.

Every so often, one of them flips a page, or turns a document sideways as if to examine a diagram, or clears his or her throat.

ACT TWO

Same.

ACT THREE

Ditto.

ACT FOUR

Likewise.

TAG

KIRK and SEX-LIES-VIDEOTAPES GUY are sitting on a balcony, smoking big, fat stogies.

KIRK: Well, I guess we're ready for that Apple v Samsung case now!

SLV-GUY: Are we?

KIRK: Who the hell knows? Let's just chuckle and enjoy our stogies like we always do.

END

Collision Course

Forget global warming, the polar ice caps melting, and the Celtics getting knocked out of the playoffs. We’ve got real problems. Scientists now predict that the entire Milky Way is going to collide with another galaxy, the Andromeda. That’s right! Galaxies … those things that are supposed to be comfortably far, far away, are on a collision course! This will happen in about four billion years, give or take a few millennia. Given our track record for procrastinating, we’d better start planning right away.

Now the first thing to keep in mind is that galaxies are made up of jillions¹ of stars like our sun. So we should start stockpiling the SPF 1,000,000 sun block.

Another problem is that we’re going to have a whole new set of constellations. Instead of the familiar Gemini, the twins, and Orion, the hunter, we’ll have things like The Wi-Fi Chip and The Newton-Raphson Method Illustrated Graphically.

It may not matter, however, since with so many suns, it may never get dark enough to see constellations. We’ll have to seriously ramp up coffee production. But at least it may mean the end of vampire movies.

Of course, by then we might have evolved into incorporeal beings, disembodied intelligence floating around in space. In that case, please disregard the above.


¹Of course, “jillion” is a made up number. Actual numbers have serious sounding names, like googolplex.