Un-Commencement Speech

Once again, I’m forced to decline all commencement speaking engagements¹ due to my hectic schedule of investigative reporting on microwave popcorn and getting ready for summer reruns. However, I have prepared some remarks suitable for the occasion. School administrators, please direct your students to read the following.

This ceremony is called a commencement to highlight the idea that it’s not an end, but a beginning. It’s the beginning of a new life.

Or at least, that’s what they’d like you to believe. Really, it is the end. Your carefree school days are over. From here on out, it’s just going to be work and more work to make ends meet.

This is the opposite of a commencement speech in another respect. Commencement speeches are usually full of inspirational advice, telling you to aim high, and to follow your dreams. But not this one. I say now’s the time to wake up from those dreams. Forget what you love. Do something you hate. No one ever got rich doing what he or she loved.

Do you think Lady Gaga enjoys dressing up and performing her songs? Did Steve Jobs like having to design cutting edge computers and technology? Does Tom Brady enjoy playing football? Did John Malkovich choose to talk in that annoying nasal voice?

What do you think would happen if we all followed our dreams? We’d have a world full of dream followers, that’s what! Who would put the little twisties on our iPhone cables?

No. Hate is where the money is. Boring, menial, repetitive jobs. You’re not supposed to like it. That’s why it’s called “work.”

Life is not about having a good time, or doing something meaningful. It’s about being useful. And useful people are the ones who buy stuff, thus helping to enrich others.

So remember: Do what you’re told and keep your noses to the grindstone and you’ll do just fine next year in Kindergarten.

¹ None.

First Reaction

In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross describes the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  But when I heard the news of Steve Jobs's death yesterday, my first reaction was definitely anger.  I had just come up with a decent bit of Steve Jobs-related humor, and spent at least several minutes tinkering in Photoshop to produce it.  (See below.)  Why couldn't he have waited a week?

But after further reflection, I realized something important.  Really, The Tech Curmudgeon comes from many years of watching technology, especially computers and software, evolve and grow in importance.  I've seen computers go from highly specialized equipment that requires climate-controlled rooms with raised floors to devices that many of us carry in our pockets.

Throughout this period, the vendors of technology have always been all too eager to sell us whatever gadget or innovation they can devise, with no regard for consequences. Ever gotten a spam email?  Or a virus? Ever cursed at a gadget or piece of software for being too difficult to use, or too unreliable? Ever noticed that you spend more time maintaining your computer than you do using it? Technology vendors have always gone for the bells and whistles, rather than for the satisfying experience.

They just didn't get that computers are not mops or toasters or even coffee makers. We don't merely use computers.  We have relationships with them. They're life partners!

But Steve Jobs got it.  If he's known for anything, it's for the sheer elegance of Apple's products. The whole field of user experience design is illuminated by these products and the concept they realize of bringing joy, and not just utility, to the user.  With the passing of Steve Jobs, the world has lost its greatest exponent of technology joy, and product joy in general.

Which means The Tech Curmudgeon will have a lot more material.

Ok, here's the somewhat lame and now thoroughly tasteless bit of humor ...

Why I Should Be the Next CEO of Apple

Let's face it.  Tim Cook is probably a very competent executive, but he's no Steve Jobs.  Seriously, have you ever heard of anything he's done?  He's not the the industry-shaking innovator that Apple needs.

I, on the other hand, have loads of ground-breaking ideas.  And I can draw them!  If that doesn't make me a visionary, I don't know what does.  Here is just a handful of my game-changing innovations...

So let Apple know you think I should be the next CEO.  And if you're on Apple's board, vote for me!

Thank you.

Apple Recipe

Bill Gates is no longer at Microsoft.  Google is run by a small team of unknown nerds.  Even after being the subject of a hit movie, Mark Zuckerberg is not the "face" of Facebook.

But Steve Jobs IS Apple.  It's hard to think of any individual executive so closely associated with his company's brand.  (Jim Perdue definitely lacks his father's strangely charismatic blandness.)  Even his alter-ego as Disney/Pixar Steve Jobs doesn't dilute his Apple appeal.

So when he's out on medical leave, people worry about the fate of Apple.  To help ease the anxiety, I think it makes sense to publish a guide to being Steve Jobs, so someone else can step up and fill the role.  To begin with, let's talk about the aspect of Steve Jobs that's probably most instrumental in Apple's success ... being a design-y guy.  Apple's success hinges more on its product design than anything else, so let's start by explaining how to design an Apple product.

1) It can't look like a computer.  Ideally, it should look like a piece of glass or a block of aluminum, but really, anything but a computer.  A block of aluminum with a piece of glass in it is ok.

2) No controls!  No buttons.  No keyboards.  No mouse.  No stylus.  Ok, if we absolutely have to have a keyboard or mouse, make it look like a piece of glass or aluminum.

3) No wires.  Bluetooth.  WiFi.  3G.  But no stinkin' wires.

4) No Flash.

5) Cute.  Must be cute.  Things on screen should swell with pride when you go near them, and literally jump up and down when you touch them.  UI is all done with colored jelly beans.

6) Did we mention no Flash?

7) No user serviceable parts.  Not even a battery change.

8) No sharp edges or corners.

9) Make it any color, as long as it's black, white or silver.

10) These are today's rules.  At some point, some other rules will be in.  Then discard everything here, and follow those rules without mercy.

With these rules, soon you too will be able to run ads like this ...

Falling Far From the Tree

So once again, there's shuffling and speculation about the health of Apple's Steve Jobs.  He's taking his second medical leave of absence in two years, and the high tech world is abuzz with questions.  Will he come back?  Who could be his successor?  Who can give Apple the kind of creative vision that Lady Gaga will undoubtedly bring to Polaroid?  Is the world ready for a digital camera made of meat?

Since Polaroid, an imaging company, has signed Lady Gaga, at least nominally a musician, perhaps Apple, now partly a music company, should try to attract a visual artist.  Steve Jobs, as the largest shareholder in Disney, should be able to pull this off.  Might John Lasseter, writer of the Toy Story movies and director of  ²/₃ of them, be a good fit?  Or Spider-man mogul Stan Lee?  Or even Calvin & Hobbes creator Bill Watterson?  It's about time we heard from him again.

Of course, the next head of Apple should be someone who's very creative, perhaps someone whose background includes both art and theater.  Someone who understands technology, who holds an advanced technology degree and has worked for both hardware and software companies.  Maybe an Apple outsider, who can bring a fresh perspective.  Someone who can provide the maturity of experience, but who still thinks like a kid.  Mainly, someone who has vision, and can communicate that vision.

I'll be by the phone.