Disney Live-Action Remake

The Fortune Amasses

Star Wars!
Everything’s Star Wars!
Not just in toy stores
But everywhere.

Star Wars!
Disney has its whores
Trying to sell scores
of Luke underwear.

At first, they made a mint off what’s now Episode IV
And even more from what came later.
Then they made a whole trilogy that went before
About how young Anakin became Darth Vader.

Star Wars!
Enough of the Star Wars!
My closets and drawers
Are full of this crap.

Star Wars!
Please no more Star Wars!
Take your John Williams scores
And call it a wrap.

(Bump-biddi-be-dump-dump whatever until you get sick of it.)

Wee Seven

Many people watched the recent PBS Walt Disney biography, and can appreciate how groundbreaking the first animated feature film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, really was. Disney’s dwarfs were completely different from Tolkien’s dwarves, sharing only diminutive stature and a penchant for mining and singing and other subterranean occupations.

But the real inside story of Disney’s film goes much deeper than that. In fact, although the final cast featured only seven dwarfs, hundreds auditioned. Many were distinctly inappropriate for cohabiting with a young woman: Sleazy, Creepy, Gropey, Horney and Anthony Wiener.

Still others, including Stretchy and Cloudy, were not height-challenged enough for the roles.

Ms. White, having far more movie industry experience than Disney himself, was able to negotiate final say over the dwarf roster. It is widely believed that she relied on the time-honored Hollywood tradition of the casting catafalque, though White never had the promiscuous reputation of Sleeping Beauty.

All this had to be covered up, of course, so the dwarfs could maintain their squeaky clean public image throughout the inevitable publicity tours and press conferences.

In fact, Snow White tried to upstage Sleeping Beauty by falling comatose in order to lure one of the wandering princes who were habitually kissing unconscious strangers in the woods back then. Of course, Prince Charming later dumped her for Cinderella, so her machinations were for naught.

It's a Small World After All

Viral Topics of the Week

The Saga Continues ...

Falling Far From the Tree

So once again, there's shuffling and speculation about the health of Apple's Steve Jobs.  He's taking his second medical leave of absence in two years, and the high tech world is abuzz with questions.  Will he come back?  Who could be his successor?  Who can give Apple the kind of creative vision that Lady Gaga will undoubtedly bring to Polaroid?  Is the world ready for a digital camera made of meat?

Since Polaroid, an imaging company, has signed Lady Gaga, at least nominally a musician, perhaps Apple, now partly a music company, should try to attract a visual artist.  Steve Jobs, as the largest shareholder in Disney, should be able to pull this off.  Might John Lasseter, writer of the Toy Story movies and director of  ²/₃ of them, be a good fit?  Or Spider-man mogul Stan Lee?  Or even Calvin & Hobbes creator Bill Watterson?  It's about time we heard from him again.

Of course, the next head of Apple should be someone who's very creative, perhaps someone whose background includes both art and theater.  Someone who understands technology, who holds an advanced technology degree and has worked for both hardware and software companies.  Maybe an Apple outsider, who can bring a fresh perspective.  Someone who can provide the maturity of experience, but who still thinks like a kid.  Mainly, someone who has vision, and can communicate that vision.

I'll be by the phone.

GREED-E

Ok, I admit it. WALL-E is a great movie. It operates as a simple love story, as a hero vs. villain melodrama, and as post-apocalyptic science fiction, and it succeeds at all three.

However, if only to maintain my curmudgeonly reputation, I have to find a few things to pick on. For now, I'll limit myself to two.

Behind the closing credits, there's a wonderful sequence of graphics essentially mimicking the history of art in the course of a few minutes. There are prehistoric-looking drawings, graphics that resemble the work of ancient scribes and Medieval illuminations. There are also references to specific artists such as J.M.W. Turner, Georges Seurat and Vincent van Gogh. I'll have to see it again to put my finger on it, but there's something about these stylistic allusions that suggests the Pixar artists are not simply paying homage to these great artists. They are smugly boasting, as if to say "Ha! With our digital tools, we can do anything any other artist has ever done."

The more egregious fault, of course, is that although the entire movie is a heavy-handed screed against consumer culture, it's preceded by an ad for the WALL-E video game, due out next month. The discreet BnL ad hidden near the end is tongue-in-cheek, but the WALL-E video game ad is certainly not. Moreover, a quick Web search reveals that the Disney/Pixar folks are zealously pursuing every possible licensing opportunity for WALL-E toys, games, bed clothes, etc., just as with every other Disney property. It's as if the message is: "Humankind is doomed if we don't change our acquisitive ways, but meanwhile, buy some more junk from us!"