Waiting for Baudot

Remember when computers were fast? That was back in the day when we got computers in order to do things. Now, they mainly spend their time updating their own software and reporting your activities to MAGFA (Microsoft, Apple, Google, Facebook and Amazon).

And if you do manage to wheedle your way to the computer’s attention, say to open a Web browser, you will be greeted by a spinning something-or-other which may suggest activity, but which is really just a lame way to entertain you while you wait for a barrage of crap unrelated to the page you wanted to visit. If you have the fortitude to wait for all the Web crap to download, the page will tease you with a momentary appearance, only to be supplanted by a dark background and a popup asking if you’d like to register for the site’s free newsletter so as not to miss a single exciting moment of their ceaseless self-aggrandizement.

And further, if you unwarily visited a site that sells something, you will be forever haunted by spectral images of that merchandise infiltrating every other Web site you visit henceforth until the crack of doom. Your most solemn presentations may be adorned with ads for Diaper Genie or an inflatable party doll.

Beyond that, these online purveyors will stalk you via email. You will receive messages urging you to come back and finish what your started, or trying to tempt you with other, similar merchandise.

But, thankfully, your computer will be so slow you’ll never notice.