Monday, March 21, 2011

The Literary Life

I know some of you envy me.  You think "What could be more rewarding than the life of a blogger, with a loyal readership numbering in the several?  The whirlwind travel!  The glamorous social life!"  I know, I know.  But after a while even Google Earth and Facebook lose their luster.

So I, insufferable attention-seeker that I am, have ambitions that are even more ... uh, ambitious.  I'm going to write books!  No, wait.  I'm going to write bestsellers, which are like books only popular.  Of course, I know the traditional cardboard sandwich books are fast becoming obsolete, but I'm prepared for that.  I'm prepared to write bestselling e-books.  In fact, I already have some titles picked out.

My first bestseller will be called Book Publishers Are The Greatest People On Earth.  The actual book has nothing to do with publishing, but I figured that would get me out of the slush pile of unsolicited manuscripts.  Publishers have millions of these.  If you visit a publisher's office, you'll see that the interior walls are made of stacks of manuscripts.  (The subtitle is:  And Book Sellers Aren't Far Behind.)

Of course, once I've gotten approval from publishers and booksellers, I need to get people to buy my book. lists no fewer than six different books with the title Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture so that's obviously out.  So what else might induce someone to buy a book?

Remember, these are e-books, so it's possible to actually customize a book for each individual reader.  Maybe the Web site can identify whoever's looking for the book, and make the title irresistible for that person?  Wouldn't you buy a book called How You, Your Name Here, Can Get Rich!  (or Famous, or Laid, or whatever you want, but that takes a bigger database.)  By the way, I assume your name isn't actually Your Name Here.  I just don't have the details all worked out yet.  (But if your name is Your Name Here, I'll bet you can get great deals on t-shirts, hats and birthday cakes.)

So you see, the new technology actually opens up all kinds of marketing possibilities for new bestsellers.  Now all I have to do is fill the pages.

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