The Classics

I think it's great that Amazon has a Kindle app for iPhones and Android phones.  I can carry a hundred books in my pocket, and read them whenever I'm unavoidably detained, such as at the doctor's office, dentist's office, optometrist's office, barbershop, etc.  You get the idea.

Of course, I rarely get more than a few pages into one of the classics (They're free!), so I usually wind up starting over again for each new appointment.   I've read the first few pages of Ulysses dozens of times, and I still haven't made it to Lilliput despite countless embarkations.

The drawback to this is that catchphrases get stuck in your head like unwanted melodies, and then pop out at the most inopportune times.  More than once I've had this exchange:

 - Peter?
 - Call me Ishmael.

I have an odd tendency to refer to people as "you fearful Jesuit," with no regard whatsoever to their religious affiliations.

Shakespeare is plentiful in the land of free lit, and is chock full of juicy, tenacious phrases.  So why do I keep falling back on "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing?"

And, of course, these linguistic baubles are most likely to pop out the moment I finally get in to see the doctor, dentist, optometrist, barber, etc.

 - How have you been?
 - It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
 - What seems to be the problem?
 - It feels like my gall bladder is divided into three parts.

I wouldn't mind this patina of literacy, but, like a Tourette sufferer, I have no control over when these utterances choose to interject themselves.  Drink me.

The Literary Life

I know some of you envy me.  You think "What could be more rewarding than the life of a blogger, with a loyal readership numbering in the several?  The whirlwind travel!  The glamorous social life!"  I know, I know.  But after a while even Google Earth and Facebook lose their luster.

So I, insufferable attention-seeker that I am, have ambitions that are even more ... uh, ambitious.  I'm going to write books!  No, wait.  I'm going to write bestsellers, which are like books only popular.  Of course, I know the traditional cardboard sandwich books are fast becoming obsolete, but I'm prepared for that.  I'm prepared to write bestselling e-books.  In fact, I already have some titles picked out.

My first bestseller will be called Book Publishers Are The Greatest People On Earth.  The actual book has nothing to do with publishing, but I figured that would get me out of the slush pile of unsolicited manuscripts.  Publishers have millions of these.  If you visit a publisher's office, you'll see that the interior walls are made of stacks of manuscripts.  (The subtitle is:  And Book Sellers Aren't Far Behind.)

Of course, once I've gotten approval from publishers and booksellers, I need to get people to buy my book.  Amazon.com lists no fewer than six different books with the title Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture so that's obviously out.  So what else might induce someone to buy a book?

Remember, these are e-books, so it's possible to actually customize a book for each individual reader.  Maybe the Web site can identify whoever's looking for the book, and make the title irresistible for that person?  Wouldn't you buy a book called How You, Your Name Here, Can Get Rich!  (or Famous, or Laid, or whatever you want, but that takes a bigger database.)  By the way, I assume your name isn't actually Your Name Here.  I just don't have the details all worked out yet.  (But if your name is Your Name Here, I'll bet you can get great deals on t-shirts, hats and birthday cakes.)

So you see, the new technology actually opens up all kinds of marketing possibilities for new bestsellers.  Now all I have to do is fill the pages.