My Inner Old Guy

I know lots of people work at getting in touch with their inner children … their long-denied younger selves whose unsatisfied needs unconsciously shape adult behavior. People believe that discovering those unfulfilled longings can help free them from the traumas and anxieties that result from childhood frustrations.

But I’m doing the opposite. Since my prostate surgery, and 3 weeks of having an indwelling (meaning just what it sounds like) urinary catheter, followed by who knows how long of having trouble peeing (or, more accurately, not peeing) have put me in touch with my inner old guy. Wearing hospital gowns at home, being unable to bike and, sometimes, to walk, have taken their toll.

Luckily, that inner old guy makes his unfulfilled needs pretty plain. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The music’s too loud. The TV’s too soft. The vegetables are undercooked. The meat is overcooked. I don’t need any help. I can’t do this. After a while, it sounds like the opening of a Dickens novel.

The worst part about the inner old guy is that he’s inner. There’s no getting away from him. I’d be happy to make up the guest bed in the basement, but this guy won’t quit. Everywhere I go, there’s that not-so-little voice in my ear … “Are you going to finish that?”

Of course, I could try to take advantage of this, like Ebenezer Scrooge glimpsing his own future. I could turn over a new leaf. Shave off my gray whiskers. Take my anti-crotchety medication. Spend more time on Facebook and Tumblr. Buy that turkey for Tiny Tim’s family. That’s it. I’ll be the coolest, most uncomplaining old man ever.

But hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!

I Won't Grow Old

I won’t grow old.
I won’t grow old.
I don’t want to get all gray
I don’t want to get all gray
And to have to use the bathroom
And to have to use the bathroom
Roughly fifty times a day.
Roughly fifty times a day.
If growing old means there would be
A chance I’d need a prostatectomy
I’ll never grow old, never grow old, never grow o-old!
Not me.
Say what?
Not me!
Nutmeg?

I won’t grow old.
I won’t grow old.
I don’t want to wear a truss.
I don’t want to wear a truss.
Or to wear enormous glasses
Or to wear enormous glasses
Just to recognize my bus.
Just to recognize my bus.
And if it means I must prepare
A will to leave all to my worried heir
I’ll never grow old, never grow old, never grow o-old!
Not me!
Say what?
Not me!
Hot tea?

Never gonna be a fart,
I won’t!
Like to see somebody try
And make me.
Anyone who wants to try
And make me turn into a fart,
Um … give me a head start?

I won’t grow old.
I won’t grow old.
I won’t take a million pills
I won’t take a million pills
Or go fleeing to Miami
Or go fleeing to Miami
Every time I get the chills.
Every time I get the chills.
‘Cause being old’s no way to live
(Except compared to the alternative.)
I’ll never grow old, never grow old, never grow o-old!
Not me!
Scot free?
Not me!
Got pee?
Not me!

The Aging Process

From the Fountain of Youth to Botox, people seem to be enthralled with the notion of postponing aging (or at least, the appearance of aging.) We all want to be forever young and beautiful, with clear skin and clearer minds. Of course, we want to hold onto everything we've learned in life, but to retain (or regain) the youthful enthusiasm and energy.

Unfortunately, little is documented about the aging process itself. Doctors understand certain conditions that tend to be age-related, but not the underlying changes that are summed up as "getting older."

To help remedy this, I want to document some of my own personal experiences with aging. This is not exhaustive ... I hope to continue aging for a good long while to come, and will report further results.  The brief outline so far, is as follows:

Childhood - Couldn't wait to grow up. Grown-ups had all the money and power. Of course, back then a $5 bill was unimaginable wealth.

Teen Years - Desperately wanted to join the ongoing sexual revolution. Unsuccessful.

College - So much opportunity, so little time.

Young, Single Adult - Life is good. The three I's: Income, Independence, Initiative.

Young, Not-So-Single Adult - The three I's have become three D's: Debt, Dependence and Deference.

Parent - Ironic to look back on childhood's innocence and naivete and think: "Damn, I should have played more."

Somewhat Older Parent - These kids today ...