I Won't Grow Old

I won’t grow old.
I won’t grow old.
I don’t want to get all gray
I don’t want to get all gray
And to have to use the bathroom
And to have to use the bathroom
Roughly fifty times a day.
Roughly fifty times a day.
If growing old means there would be
A chance I’d need a prostatectomy
I’ll never grow old, never grow old, never grow o-old!
Not me.
Say what?
Not me!
Nutmeg?

I won’t grow old.
I won’t grow old.
I don’t want to wear a truss.
I don’t want to wear a truss.
Or to wear enormous glasses
Or to wear enormous glasses
Just to recognize my bus.
Just to recognize my bus.
And if it means I must prepare
A will to leave all to my worried heir
I’ll never grow old, never grow old, never grow o-old!
Not me!
Say what?
Not me!
Hot tea?

Never gonna be a fart,
I won’t!
Like to see somebody try
And make me.
Anyone who wants to try
And make me turn into a fart,
Um … give me a head start?

I won’t grow old.
I won’t grow old.
I won’t take a million pills
I won’t take a million pills
Or go fleeing to Miami
Or go fleeing to Miami
Every time I get the chills.
Every time I get the chills.
‘Cause being old’s no way to live
(Except compared to the alternative.)
I’ll never grow old, never grow old, never grow o-old!
Not me!
Scot free?
Not me!
Got pee?
Not me!

Aging

I recently underwent a rather risky and painful procedure known, in layman’s terms, as a birthday.

If you're unfamiliar with this, it’s kind of like a combination of a triple bypass with simultaneous brain surgery. The brain surgery alleviates symptoms such as short-term memory, reasoning ability and intermittent periods of sound judgement. And the bypass? That’s from years of wanting fries with that. 

Side effects include having skin like a chicken, hair loss, vision loss, hearing loss, energy loss, memory loss and appetite loss. No, just wishful thinking on that last one.

This is strictly an outpatient procedure. You don’t even have to go to one of those hospitals with all the interns rutting in every elevator and storage closet. (Ok, maybe I watch Gray’s Anatomy too much. Another symptom.) You can undergo a birthday right in the comfort of your own home. This is lucky because having loved ones around really improves the outcomes, especially during recovery.

Unfortunately, the procedure was only partially successful. I’ll have to repeat it next year.

Growth Industry

The Aging Process

From the Fountain of Youth to Botox, people seem to be enthralled with the notion of postponing aging (or at least, the appearance of aging.) We all want to be forever young and beautiful, with clear skin and clearer minds. Of course, we want to hold onto everything we've learned in life, but to retain (or regain) the youthful enthusiasm and energy.

Unfortunately, little is documented about the aging process itself. Doctors understand certain conditions that tend to be age-related, but not the underlying changes that are summed up as "getting older."

To help remedy this, I want to document some of my own personal experiences with aging. This is not exhaustive ... I hope to continue aging for a good long while to come, and will report further results.  The brief outline so far, is as follows:

Childhood - Couldn't wait to grow up. Grown-ups had all the money and power. Of course, back then a $5 bill was unimaginable wealth.

Teen Years - Desperately wanted to join the ongoing sexual revolution. Unsuccessful.

College - So much opportunity, so little time.

Young, Single Adult - Life is good. The three I's: Income, Independence, Initiative.

Young, Not-So-Single Adult - The three I's have become three D's: Debt, Dependence and Deference.

Parent - Ironic to look back on childhood's innocence and naivete and think: "Damn, I should have played more."

Somewhat Older Parent - These kids today ...