Here's what I've got so far:
- "Nondescript" -- the one word oxymoron.
- It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be rich!
- I've tried ice sculpture, but I could only do cubism.
- If time travel were possible, we'd already know about it.
- To conserve energy, the speed of fluorescent light is only 185,000 miles/sec.
- Standardization is the opposite of innovation.
- A beard makes up for a multitude of chins.
- The purpose of life is to find the purpose of life.
- When you can't think out of the box, try eating out of the box.
- You shouldn't joke at other people's expense. They never pay up.
- If pigs could fly, imagine how great barbecued wings would be!
- 99.7% of all statistics are made up.
- Satire - Criticism dressed as witticism.
- Dental floss: A string-like tool used to dislodge food from between the teeth and fling it onto the bathroom mirror.
- Necessity is the mother of invention. We don't know who the father is.
- Remember nostalgia?
- Consciousness is the feeling that consciousness is more than just a feeling.
- A picture is worth a thousand words, but writing a thousand words is a lot faster than drawing a picture.
- Laughter is the best medicine, but my health insurance won't pay for my comic books.
- Health insurance and life insurance should come from the same company. Then you'd get good health care!
- Shakespeare was five feet long.
- They say if you hang around Times Square long enough, you'll see every show you ever saw.
- My doctor won't let me take anything with a grain of salt.
- It's too late to be a child prodigy. Maybe I still have a shot at middle-aged man prodigy.
- The two most popular comedy forms are stand up and sit com.
- The good news: I'll get to it in a minute. The bad news: It has to be the last minute.
- If I only ate what's good for me I'd starve to death.
No comments:
Post a Comment