Monday, August 26, 2013

Quotes of Note

Since I’m now at the point where I’ll become famous late in life, if at all, I thought it would be a good idea to have a lot of quotes prepared. This way, my legacy can include all kinds of wit and wisdom with the appearance of having been dispensed over decades.

Here's what I've got so far:
  • "Nondescript" -- the one word oxymoron.
  • It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be rich!
  • I've tried ice sculpture, but I could only do cubism.
  • If time travel were possible, we'd already know about it.
  • To conserve energy, the speed of fluorescent light is only 185,000 miles/sec.
  • Standardization is the opposite of innovation.
  • A beard makes up for a multitude of chins.
  • The purpose of life is to find the purpose of life.
  • When you can't think out of the box, try eating out of the box.
  • You shouldn't joke at other people's expense. They never pay up.
  • If pigs could fly, imagine how great barbecued wings would be!
  • 99.7% of all statistics are made up.
  • Satire - Criticism dressed as witticism.
  • Dental floss: A string-like tool used to dislodge food from between the teeth and fling it onto the bathroom mirror.
  • Necessity is the mother of invention. We don't know who the father is.
  • Remember nostalgia?
  • Consciousness is the feeling that consciousness is more than just a feeling.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but writing a thousand words is a lot faster than drawing a picture.
  • Laughter is the best medicine, but my health insurance won't pay for my comic books.
  • Health insurance and life insurance should come from the same company. Then you'd get good health care!
  • Shakespeare was five feet long.
  • They say if you hang around Times Square long enough, you'll see every show you ever saw.
  • My doctor won't let me take anything with a grain of salt.
  • It's too late to be a child prodigy. Maybe I still have a shot at middle-aged man prodigy.
  • The two most popular comedy forms are stand up and sit com.
  • The good news: I'll get to it in a minute. The bad news: It has to be the last minute.
  • If I only ate what's good for me I'd starve to death.

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