The Agony of the Klutz

Recent studies suggest that one in five Americans suffer from klutziness … double the number previously believed. Yet most people have no idea what it’s like to endure this painful condition … to live in a world where inanimate objects suddenly become willful and fly around of their own accord. Where the entire landscape shifts just for the purpose of interposing a wall or a tree in your path. A world where the laws of physics are suspended so that moving bodies fall at a rate proportional to how valuable they are, and inversely proportional to how much time you have.

Yet klutz sufferers must face these hardships every day. I myself have endured klutziness for years, but recently, the disorder seems to have progressed. I’ve had to adapt my lifestyle in various ways, and may have to do more.

Here are some of the measures I’ve taken.

• I always wear a red shirt when eating Italian cuisine. (I may have to get red pants also.)
• I wear big puffy winter clothes and a bike helmet all year round, indoors and out.
• I double-, triple-, and quadruple-check email messages for typos before hitting Sned. (Also, I’m campaigning to have words like “teh” and “hardward” added to the dictionary.)
• When hammering a nail in something, I hold the nail with a long pair of pliers instead of my fingers. Then I wind up gluing it instead.
• I keep plenty of glue remover around.

Remember, be kind to your klutzy friends. There is no cure.