Telecommuting Priorities

If you've been working in an office, becoming a telecommuter requires certain adjustments.  You need to accept Casual Friday on Tuesday (and every other day).  You need to find a way to be excited about every bird or squirrel your cats see.  That's the office gossip.

But mainly, you need to find a caffeine delivery system.  I don't mean "delivery" as in some person who brings coffee to your house (though that would be great!)  I mean a system for producing ingestible caffeine, usually in liquid form, and enabling the consumption of that caffeine.

You may have gotten spoiled in the office by having coffee always ready, or even having one of those cup-at-a-time brewing systems that make fresh coffee and landfill at about the same rate.  You may be used to running to your nearest Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts for a dose, but that requires pants, a frivolous luxury for the home worker.

So now you're reduced to having to eke out caffeine from raw materials found in the home.  It's like being on Survivor.  Luckily, The Tech Curmudgeon is here to help.

Let's start by introducing the basic concepts and we can get into the details at a later date.  Most often, caffeine is purchased in a form called coffee.  This is usually either dark, crunchy beans that taste like high priced dirt, or a powder whose very aroma could revive the dead.  There are devices, called grinders, to convert the beans into the powder, usually at the decibel level of a Boeing 777.

Once the powder form has been obtained, the trick is to put it into very close proximity to hot water for some period of time.  Experts differ on how hot the water should be, how long the powder and water should be together, and how to separate the powder from the water so you can drink (the water) without that grit-in-the-teeth sensation of a surfer face-planting on the beach.  We at The Tech Curmudgeon are vigorously researching these questions, and will issue a full report once we have sufficient data.

Meanwhile, we feel it's appropriate to have a special toast for those about to drink coffee, similar to the toasts for alcoholic drinks.  Here's our proposal ...

Zoom!

Telecommuting

One of the benefits of our internet age is the advent of telecommuting (from the Greek tele-, meaning “far”, and the Latin commutare, or “curse at one’s fellow travellers”). Technology has enabled us to enjoy road rage from the comfort of our homes.

Telecommuting is based on information technology, and typically only applies to information technology jobs. There are few manufacturing workers, for example, who can take advantage:

Toss that transmission on the conveyor belt and I’ll assemble it when it reaches the bedroom window.

It’s also challenging for health care professionals:

Come by the house at 4:00. I can look at that goiter right after “Spongebob.”

Since telecommuting is a relatively new concept, I thought it would be helpful to share some insights. In particular, …

The Top Ten Things About Telecommuting:

• 10 - Garlic bagels for breakfast.
• 9 - No wasting money on razor blades, shampoo and soap.
• 8 - Dress casual (or not!) everyday … but watch out for that webcam.
• 7 - Get your traffic report from Speedtest
• 6 - Spend quality time and really bond with your cats. (Dogs, gerbils, ferrets, whatever)
• 5 - Use your commuting time to … work.
• 4 - Forget the stupid little single serving coffee makers (and their environmental carnage.)
• 3 - Check email during meetings. Oh, wait … you did that anyway!
• 2 - Renew your driver’s license when line is not two miles long.

And the number one thing about telecommuting:

• 1 - Do the words “executive washroom” mean anything to you?