The War on Sweeteners

New York’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg is preparing the opening salvo of the War on Sweeteners. He’s pushing a ban on the sale of soft drinks of mass consumption. Not even “medical mixers” will be exempted. Rumors are circulating of plans to launch drone strikes on the secret laboratory of Dr. Pepper and his followers. (“Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?”)

This war promises to escalate to combating other food groups. Donuts and cookies will be contraband. The U.S. will likely render fat purveyors to other countries for questioning. Mrs. Fields and Famous Amos may be waterboarded. Even donuts may be dunked to soften them up.

Meanwhile, America’s farmers will join the fight by growing only whole grains. Food manufacturers will ramp up efforts to direct snacks loaded with calories, fat and carbohydrates primarily to schools, where they can be safely neutralized with nutrition information.

In related news, the town of Middleborough, Massachusetts, has launched the War on Rudeness, imposing a $20.00 fine for cursing in public. Can this country really sustain two wars at once?

Strategic Reserves

Most Americans are aware of the nation's Strategic Petroleum Reserves.  Over 700 million barrels of oil, enough to power the U.S. for about 15 minutes, are stored in underground caverns along the Gulf of Mexico.  In case of emergency, these reserves can be used to allow the President to continue flying around in Air Force One.  They can also be used to fuel military equipment, in the event of an attack against Louisiana.

What many people don't realize is that there's also a Strategic Food Reserve.  These stockpiles, hidden in Northern Alaska, can be quickly deployed to preserve our precious American obesity in times of threat.  At a signal from the White House, the strategic food reserve folks can quickly distribute billions of quarter pounders (with cheese), five-layer burritos and ball park hot dogs.  And yes, you can get fries with that!  There will also be millions of gallons of Big Gulp drinks and coffee.  Black Hawk helicopters will drop potato chips, pretzels and popcorn into blighted areas, and our nation's interstate highway system will be commandeered for chuck wagon use.

The idea of a Strategic Food Reserve seems simple enough.  Most people outside California find food more vital than oil.  However, many issues had to be addressed in planning an operation of this size.  Consideration was given to kosher and vegetarian diets.  This was resolved by setting aside whole vegan tundras under strict rabbinical supervision. Because of the limited storage facilities, major congressional squabbles broke out over questions of whole milk vs. skim, original vs. extra crispy chicken, and Sweet'N Low vs. Equal.

Of course, global warming now threatens the entire Strategic Food Reserve.  Over time, the country will be switching to canned and freeze-dried foods.  To avoid wasting the existing supply, it will be gradually distributed to the population over the course of a few Superbowl Sundays.