New York’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg is preparing the opening salvo of the War on Sweeteners. He’s pushing a ban on the sale of soft drinks of mass consumption. Not even “medical mixers” will be exempted. Rumors are circulating of plans to launch drone strikes on the secret laboratory of Dr. Pepper and his followers. (“Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?”)
This war promises to escalate to combating other food groups. Donuts and cookies will be contraband. The U.S. will likely render fat purveyors to other countries for questioning. Mrs. Fields and Famous Amos may be waterboarded. Even donuts may be dunked to soften them up.
Meanwhile, America’s farmers will join the fight by growing only whole grains. Food manufacturers will ramp up efforts to direct snacks loaded with calories, fat and carbohydrates primarily to schools, where they can be safely neutralized with nutrition information.
In related news, the town of Middleborough, Massachusetts, has launched the War on Rudeness, imposing a $20.00 fine for cursing in public. Can this country really sustain two wars at once?
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