The Revenant

Like many of you, I’ve been in shock … complete shock … over the 2016 election results. Seriously! Who could have imagined this outcome? That Arizona would vote to raise the minimum wage!

Some of the other results were pretty surprising too. But now it’s time to move on. We’ll just have to make a few minor adjustments. Specifically,

1. Health insurance will now be awarded by lottery. The lucky winner will be entitled to full treatment for any and all health-related problems (up to a lifetime maximum of $482.37.)
2. The Department of Defense will now be referred to as “The People.”
3. Climate change will be given top priority in determining the President’s weekend travel plans.
4. Former President Barack Obama will now be known as Double-O Forty-Four.
5. The orders of magnitude 10⁴ and 10⁵ will be eliminated. Any number larger than 9,999 will be considered “a million.”
6. Cell phones, music players and other mobile devices will be powered by coal.
7. Only people wishing to enter the United States from countries containing the letter “R” will be permitted to eat shellfish.
8. The Departments of Defense, Education, the EPA, State, Health and Human Services, Interior and Transportation will be combined into a single department, to be known as DEEPSHIT. This department will then be eliminated.
9. There will be a wall around the red states, and Nordstrom’s will pay for it.
10. The city of Washington, D.C. will be renamed Козырь.