Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Commencement Speech 2013

I’m afraid that once again, I’m unable to accept any invitations to speak at various graduation ceremonies, primarily due to not having received any. However, in the event of sudden, last minute desperation that might induce someone to call upon me, I’ve prepared a few remarks suitable to the occasion.

The main reason I’m addressing you today is that I’ve discovered within myself an unerring knack for writing things nobody wants to read. This is actually very liberating. After all, if nobody’s reading, I can experiment with half-formed ideas and ill-conceived … uh, concepts. I can give voice to all those idiotic thoughts that, under normal circumstances, should never see the light of day. I think all writers should do this as a way to improve my standing.

Seriously, most writers play it extremely safe. Look at J. K. Rowling and the Harry Potter books. Duh!! Of course people are going to buy books about kids discovering they’re really wizards with magical powers and a world of intense good and evil to master. And come on. After the first book, she was basically coasting.

Couldn’t she have explored some of the deeper questions? Harry was kind of railroaded into a wizarding career. What if he really wanted to study dentistry or chiropractic?

I mean, I could have written those books. What’s so hard? It’s not like a completely new idea. King Arthur - Kid discovers he’s the king. Superman - Kid discovers he’s a superhero. Harry Potter - Kid discovers he’s a wizard. It’s an easy formula. I’m working on one about a kid who discovers he’s incredibly gifted at … well, I don’t want to give too much away. Lets just say it’ll make those other stories seem like fantasies.

Oh, and that whole graduation thing? Good luck with that.

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