Wall Street in Black Hole

Nobody else seems to have figured this out, but the current kerfuffle on Wall Street was caused by black holes produced by the Large Hadron Collider at CERN. Now I know most of the free world has been clamoring for a way to have its hadrons collided, especially the large ones. "Hey, these things don't collide themselves, you know!" is the all too frequent cry of the hadron owner.

But despite the overwhelming demand, building the collider was a rash and irresponsible move. As many feared, the force of all those hadrons banging into each other brought about the creation of black holes, like the one first observed in Calcutta in 1756. As everyone knows, black holes are places in space where a star collapsed, forming such an intense gravitational field that not even light can get out. Of course, anything that's near a black hole tends to get sucked in, as we saw in the Disney movie, The Black Hole. (Like most people, I always turn to Disney movies when I need to understand some esoteric concept of modern cosmology.)

So, the black hole can swallow anything ... planets, stars, etc. What else in the universe could swallow up four trillion dollars? And hasn't anyone else noticed that the collider is in Switzerland, where they have the world's most secure bank accounts? Moreover, the collider was entirely designed by scientists, the very people the current administration has worked so hard to squelch!

This is just too much coincidence to go unnoticed. I think we should demand an immediate investigation!