Things I Learned From TV

10. When you come home from a long day at work, and you walk into your suburban New Rochelle home, watch out for the ottoman.
9. The most state-of-the-art computer animation techniques are used to depict roadkill, walking intestines and boogers.
8. Use as directed.
7. The best crime solvers are novelists, psychotics, drug addicts and people on the autism spectrum.
6. Anything on HBO has to include the word @#&* every 17 minutes.
5. There’s always next year.
4. Every family has a sarcastic, wise-cracking member who seems to be the “smart one,” and thus is always the outcast.
3. Public television doesn’t show commercials; just long, self-promotional messages from sponsors.
2. We are farmers. Dum-de-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum.
1. Political candidates are all frustrated fiction writers.