The Need for Speed

New York Times columnist Mark Bittman’s new book, How To Cook Everything Fast, is a runaway bestseller. Well, it’s a runaway pretty good seller. It will undoubtedly reach the bestseller lists once it … um, sells better.

In any case, it’s certainly attracting a lot of attention. So the most obvious response should be to cash in on the book’s success by immediately releasing a sequel. Since Bittman is probably busy with book tours and TED talks and stuff, we are prepared to offer our own tome, …

How to Eat Everything Fast

This book is filled with time-saving tips like:

1. Eat greasy foods for faster digestion.
2. Practice stretching the jaw and throat muscles to increase capacity.
3. A food processor or juicer can turn almost any meal into a quick beverage.
4. When traveling, carry implements that allow you to slice, dice and otherwise reduce your meals to kibble.
5. Lobster, artichokes, pomegranate, and chestnuts are really not worth it.

and many more.

I should say this book will be filled with time-saving tips. There’s nothing actually written yet. Nonetheless, we will be happy to accept $25 deposits to reserve your copy. It’s sure to go fast!